


Best Intentions

by godots



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Family, Fatherhood, Getting Together, Kid Fic, M/M, Non-Famous, Sexual exploration, Unplanned Pregnancy, learning to adult, self-care
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-11 15:27:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16478135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/godots/pseuds/godots
Summary: Louis does the right thing





	Best Intentions

**Author's Note:**

> I had a lot of messy feelings about family and personhood and Louis and so here we are. 
> 
> Some light warnings: two people have sex while very drunk off screen, abortion is discussed briefly but doesn’t happen, there are depictions of depression, and non-canon character death is mentioned. 
> 
> I hope this is as cathartic and hopeful to read as it was to write. 
> 
> I’m [here](http://girlhoodandothercults.tumblr.com) if you have any questions or want to chat

==

 Ryan texts him in the morning asking if he’s coming to their five-aside game but Louis doesn’t see it until he gets out of work at half three.

He sends back _Can’t mate, gotta help Sam with Kaitlin tonite!_

 He can’t even remember the last time he made it to a game but Ryan still invites him every Thursday. It’s not that big a deal, Ryan gets that Louis has other stuff on these days.

 Sam has half her makeup done and a towel still wrapped around her head when she answers the door to him.

 “Shit what time is it? I’m so bloody late already” She’s juggling her phone and a tube of mascara in one hand and ushering him through the door with the other.

 The inside of the flat is active chaos with CBeebies blaring from the TV in the bedroom, a quiz show up way too loud in the living room and the cat screeching to be fed in the kitchen.

 Sam looks a little wild around the eyes and the towel is starting to unwind from her hair. As soon as she’s shut the front door behind him she nips back into her bedroom, shouting over the din that she’ll only be another five minutes tops.

 Left to his own devices he grabs a pouch of wet food out of the kitchen cupboard to feed the cat and then does his best to tidy up a little in the living room. He doesn’t really know where anything goes but he gives it a go.

 At least he can turn the TV down and move the crayons and paper and glitter glue sticks off the floor and onto the coffee table in a neat little pile next to the picture of Sam and her boyfriend Stuart and a cheeky looking Kaitlin.

 Sam comes back in just as he’s picking up a couple of empty cups to take through to the kitchen and starts fussing.

 “No here leave all that, honestly you don’t have to clean up I’ll get it later.”

 “No worries I was just trying to help out a bit. You looked like you had your hands full already.”

 “Thanks love, sorry it’s a bit crazy round here today. Kaitlin wouldn’t go down for her nap for ages and then everything ran over and the time just got away from me.”

 “Honestly it’s fine, do you have her bag packed and everything?”

 “Oh...I thought you would just be staying here? I’m not going to be gone that long, we’ll be done by eleven, should be back by half past at the latest.”

 “...um, right…” he hesitates “...it’s just I assumed I’d have her at mine for the night?” Louis hates this. He hates how awkward this whole thing feels. Like he’s being weird for assuming he’ll take his own daughter for the night.

 Sam is giving him a pinched look and he knows she’s thinking that if Kaitlin stays over at his then she has to come to his house to get her before he leaves for work tomorrow.

 He looks away and scratches at his arm. He’s not a babysitter, he’s her dad is he not? Is it ridiculous to expect he spends a night with his kid?

 An age passes and then Sam sighs like all the energy has gone out of her. “Fine, I’ll make up a bag for her quickly. But you gotta have her ready by nine because I already told mum I’d be over to take her to her doctor’s appointment at ten and I can’t be late.”

 Louis blows out a breath. “Yeah, yeah course. Nine’s no problem. Cheers Sam.”

 ==

It’s a bit ironic really, that it happened to him.

 ==

 Before Sam and Kaitlin and everything happened, babies weren't really a thing Louis spent a lot of time thinking about.

 A couple of girls in his year at school had gotten pregnant around the same time. He remembers them in Year 12 bringing their babies in at lunch time in their prams and all the girls in their year crowding round to hold them.

He wasn’t particularly good friends with them though, and apart from a brief visit to show off the newborns to their classmates he didn’t really see them around after that, neither of them came back to school afterwards.

 They were probably supposed to talk about it in Sex Ed but their school was shit, they only had a couple of hours scheduled for sex ed during their whole GCSEs.

Louis remembers their teacher was off sick the week they were supposed to have their sex ed block. Instead of getting a substitute they just had the French teacher from next door come in to hand out worksheets and start a video for them every class.

The sum total of his sex education was a half filled in fact sheet about STDs and watching Saved!

 Thanks Yorkshire Council.

 It’s not like he needed anyone to explain safe sex to him though. His mum was of the opinion that teenagers were going to be teenagers. The few vaguely embarrassing times it had come up she’d mostly just said “Just make sure you’re being safe.” and he’d said “yeah of course mum.” Duh.

 In the end none of that really mattered though. No amount of made for TV movies about schoolgirls getting knocked up prepares you. Nothing really prepares you for the way your whole life turns upside down when you get a message like that.

 When he thinks back on it now he wonders about how scared Sam must have been, texting him at half past midnight on a Tuesday _i think i might be pregnant_.

He has no idea when she started to suspect or how many hours she lay alone in bed worrying before she sent him that text. A lot probably.

 Every time he remembers getting that message out of the blue like that he gets the same sick feeling in his stomach he did back then. It’s not a great memory.

 That night he texts her back straight away saying she needs to do a test. She replies saying she’s going to go get one in the morning.

 _Ok let me know x_ and then _I’ll come round to yours after work if you want_ are all he can think to say.

 He doesn’t sleep after that. Just lays in bed with a million and one thoughts running through his head at lightning speed.

Why was drunk him such an idiot? If she is pregnant how many weeks along will she be? How late along are you allowed to get an abortion? How does she even get one? Does she have to go to the doctors and ask? Does she have to go to a special clinic? Is there anywhere like that round here? Will they have to pay for it? How the fuck did they do something so stupid?

 ==

 They only slept together the once. Just one time.

They’d all been out, a big group of them on them on a Saturday night. He remembers pulling Sam in the club, kissing her on the dance floor and at the bar and at some point outside in the smokers corner as well.

He has absolutely no memory of who suggested it but they both ended up back at hers at the end of the night.

 They were so drunk he doesn’t know if they just forgot or if...he doesn’t know. Doesn’t remember.

 ==

 Sam doesn’t go to college the next day. She goes to the chemist to get a pregnancy test and texts Louis.

  _£8 wtf_

_ughhh this is mortifying_

_The old woman behind the counter was defo judging me_

 Louis can’t have his phone out at work but he nips into the bathroom and reads the messages.

 Before he can reply another one comes through.

  _I don’t wanna do this_

_fuck_

  He puts the lid down and sits on the toilet, holding the phone in a sweaty grip. _You have to know either way. just gotta do it and get it over with_ he sends and then he waits.

 Five, ten minutes pass and there are no new messages from Sam.

 His heart starts racing and his hands get shaky.

 He eyes the time and chews on his thumbnail until it starts to bleed. He can’t stay in here much longer, his supervisor has probably already noticed he’s fucked off somewhere.

 Another minute passes with his heart thumping uncomfortably hard inside his chest.

 Eventually he taps out _have you done it?_ and hits send.

  _positive_

  Fuck. Fuuuuck. Fuck shit fuck. His breathing goes shallow and his whole body starts shaking with the adrenaline rush.

 He hits the call button without thinking.

 “Sam shit, you okay?” He asks in a croak as soon as the call connects. He can hear her crying on the other side. “Sam-”

 “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t” She’s hoarse and panicked, barely getting enough air to speak as she cries and cries.

 “I’m sorry Sam.” What a fucking useless thing to say. She's breaking her heart down the phone to him and he can't even do anything to help her He feels like utter shit. He can’t even believe this is happening. How could he have been such an idiot.

 “Look I’m at work the now but I’m gonna come round as soon as I’m off alright? Is there like...can you call someone to come round and sit with you for a bit?”

 “No! No, jesus it’s fine.” She’s still crying, taking gasping breaths in between sobs. “I can’t tell anyone I can’t, fuck. I’m fine.”

 Louis swallows back the lump in his throat. “You’re obviously not fine babe, I know. It’s okay, it’s gonna be okay.” He says with a conviction he absolutely does not feel. “I’ll be round soon as I can and we’re gonna sort this out alright.”

 She makes a sound that might be agreement. She’s taking deep breaths trying to stop crying and Louis tries to do the same, breathes in deeply and lets the air out slow.

 “Where are you?”

 “In the bathroom” she tells him. He hears the toilet roll holder clang and then the sound of her blowing her nose.

 He convinces her to get herself up and into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. The sound of the kettle rattling in the background of the call is comforting somehow and Sam’s breathing has calmed down even though Louis thinks she might still be crying. She’s crying because he was a drunk fucking idiot.

 “Sam I’m sorry, I have to go the now, I have to go back to work.” he feels fucking useless but he really does have to go back to work. “Yeah no you should go it’s fine,” she says, “I’ll see you after, just come over I’ll be here” Her voice is wrecked but she sounds like she’s pulling herself together again. He stays on the line with her a tiny bit longer, listening her make a cup of tea until he absolutely has to get his arse back to work.

 He hangs up with the promise that he’ll be there as soon as he can and then drop his phone and buries his face into the crook of his elbow, body shaking with dry sobs and adrenaline.

 His phone clatters against the tile floor and he ignores it. He feels sick and he’s terrified and he wants his mum because he doesn’t know what to do.

 God what is he going to tell his mum?

 ==

 When he gets round to Sam’s later she lets him in and they go to her room to talk. Once they get inside he doesn’t know if he should sit on the bed but standing feels awkward so he perches on the end of the mattress. Sam is leaning against the door picking at her nails.

 The whole thing feels surreal, this is only the second time he’s been in her room. He looks at Sam instead of looking around like an idiot. She’s got her head down and there are tears running down her cheeks.

 “Aw Sam no c’mere.” He jumps up and as soon as he gets to her she wraps her arms tight around his waist and buries her face in his chest. He squeezes her back as tight as she’s squeezing him and rubs his hand up and down her back like his mum used to do for him when he was little.

 “Thanks for coming over.” She says eventually, her voice thick from crying.

 “Yeah, course. Wasn’t going to leave you by yourself.”

 She clears her throat and says “c’mon” and they end up sitting on the bed, backs against the pillows.

 “Listen I’m sorry,” he says “I was so fucking drunk that night after the club. I don’t really remember much, if something happened, if like…the condom ripped or something, I would have told you I swear I wouldn’t have gone without a condom.” It’s difficult to actually say the words, but he does, face burning.

 Sam rubs her hands over her face. “I know, it was an accident. We were both twatted. I should have taken the pill after just to be sure, I just wasn’t thinking y’know?” She lets out an ugly laugh. “Not gonna make that mistake again.” she says and Louis wants to curl up and die, this is such a fuck up.

 “I’ll go down to the doctors with you if you like?” He offers but she doesn’t say anything, head curled into his shoulder and hair falling over her face.

He brushes her hair back trying to see her. Her eyes are red and eyelashes clumped together, her mouth a tight line tucked down at the edges.

 “I don’t wanna have to think about it right now.” she says miserably.

 “Don't worry, you've got time to sort it out.” He pushes her hair behind her ear gently. “And I’m gonna be here, you aren’t alone.”

She’s trying to smile but her eyes fill up again and she can’t really hold it. She tucks her head into his neck and he kisses the top of her head, arm around her back rocking them gently.

 ==

 Sam isn’t a sixteen year old schoolgirl who got knocked up and wants someone to make her problem go away.

 She’s a twenty four year old college student who’s studying to be a hairdresser and got knocked up and is going to have the baby.

 That’s what she tells him a week later, that she plans on having the baby.

 Louis is twenty two and he doesn’t know what to do because he isn’t ready to have a kid. He doesn’t...he doesn’t want Sam to have this baby. He doesn’t know if that makes him a terrible person.

It’s not even really a baby yet, he looked up the NHS Choices website on his phone. She can get a termination and it won’t be that invasive, they’ll just give her some pills apparently. She can go straight home afterwards.

 He tells her it’s okay if she’s scared because he is too but they have options and she doesn’t have to rush into anything or feel overwhelmed.

She doesn’t seem overwhelmed though.

She sits wrapped in a blanket she’d pulled off the back of the sofa, hair up in a messy ponytail and no makeup on and tells him that she’s really thought this through. She’s spent every waking hour since she found out thinking this over in her mind and this is what she wants.

 “Did you tell your mum yet?” He asks and she nods. “Yeah, yeah I told her. She was really supportive.”

 So...that’s it really. Louis feels like he’s in free fall, like he can’t get a breath. He can’t understand how a week ago everything was normal and now this is happening.

 He grabs Sam’s hand and gives it a squeeze, he’s gonna do the right thing here. Even if he has no idea what to do right now, he’s going to be there to support her.

 ==

 He goes back home feeling numb. His mum is in the living room watching telly with a cup of tea when he gets in like always. She takes one look at him and puts her tea down.

 “What’s happened? Louis? What’s wrong?”

 He just sort of folds down onto the couch next to her, like his limbs have all stopped working. He lays his head in her lap and presses his face against her jumper, shoulders wracked with sobs.

 “Baby what’s happened? What’s wrong?” She rocks him and shushes him and says nonsense mum things to him and he doesn’t answer her, just lets himself lose it.

 When he stops crying he’s still wearing his jacket, his face is wet and his nose is running. His mum plucks a tissue from the box on the side table and lets him blow his nose.

 “Mum...” his voice is thick and he can’t look at her so he says it into her jumper instead. “Mum Sam’s pregnant, she done a test.” His mum makes a confused sound “Who’s Sam?” He starts crying again. “It’s mine. Mum I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He can feel her hugging him and stroking his hair but he can’t stop crying, can’t look at her.

 “Oh sweetheart,” and he can hear the tears in his mum’s voice now and that makes him feel like utter shit. God he’s the worst fucking son, she doesn’t deserve this bullshit. He never dreamed he’d disappoint her like this.

 “Mum I’m so sorry I swear” he gasps out. “Shut up Lou.” she says and hugs him tighter.

 Eventually he runs out of energy to cry and she gets him to sit up, hands him another tissue and tells him to go wash his face.

 In the bathroom he washes his face with freezing cold water, tries not to look at his reflection.

 Afterwards his eyes still feel hot and puffy and the front of his hair is dripping wet. He finds his mum again in the kitchen with two cups of tea and he sits down in the empty chair opposite.

 “I take it this wasn’t planned then?” she asks and he wants to snort but he just shakes his head, looks at the kitchen floor.

 He feels sick, like there are waves in his stomach. Sitting here with his mum in the kitchen it all suddenly feels very real.

 His mum asks him some questions but not as many as he was expecting.

 “Louis you’re an adult, you make your own decisions.” She tells him at one point. “I know you’re a good man and you’re going to own up to your responsibilities.”

 He wants to start crying again because he’s never felt more like a stupid kid in his life. He hates that his mum can’t solve this problem for him, she can’t make him feel better about this. He’s never felt so shit scared in his life.

 She seems bizarrely calm about the whole thing and he thinks she might just be in shock, he’s pretty sure she never thought he’d be dropping a bombshell like this.

 Before he goes to bed she gets up and hugs him so tight it hurts. “I know you’re scared but we’ll get through this. It’s all going to be fine.” She tells him and presses a kiss to her temple. He’s so lucky to have her.

 ==

 The worst thing is that everyone just finds out somehow. Every time he goes out and meets up with people he can tell they already know.

 So far no one has actually brought it up though. He can’t tell what his mates all think of him now but he’s glad they haven’t said anything. He doesn't know what to say.

 Yeah, we were hammered and I didn’t use a condom and now Sam’s life is ruined.

 That’s messed up, he shouldn’t think that. Her life isn’t ruined. It kind of feels like his is though. Which is so so fucked up, he’s not the one that’s pregnant, he’s not the one having a baby. This huge irreversible permanent thing.

 He has a pot noodle for dinner most nights because he’s shit at cooking, he isn’t responsible enough to look after a child. He can’t understand why she wants to keep it. He just can’t understand it.

 He sort of stops going out as much. He doesn’t see Sam all that much either, they text sometimes but it’s stilted and awkward like they aren’t even that good friends. He supposes they aren’t really, they just have the same group of mates.

 His mum is always bringing her up at dinner. She was in town and she seen Sam out and about, has Louis spoken to her recently? She bumped into Sam’s mum at the post office, they went for coffee, everyone’s getting on well she says. It’s like she’s doing it purposefully to get a reaction out of him.

 He just listens and nods, changes the subject because what is he supposed to say? He’s not going to ask him mum questions about how Sam is getting on, how far along she is now, whether she needs anything. She has his number if she wants to contact him.

 She doesn’t really contact him though, and as the weeks go by he’s kind of relieved because he doesn’t really know what his role is in all this.

 It’s weird because he’s never even met her family, but somehow their mums know each other and went for coffee together? He can only imagine how awkward that conversation was, he feels bad for his mum. Wonders if the other mums have heard about it and are judging her for becoming a grandparent so young. God his mum is gonna be a grandparent, he can’t even wrap his head around it.

 He’s in Asda one day when he sees her again for the first time in ages. She’s wearing this cropped denim jacket that’s open, showing off a white t-shirt stretched tight over her round belly. It’s not a huge bump, but it’s very obviously noticeably there. She looks pregnant. Which is a stupid thought because he’s known that she is for months but once he thinks it he can’t stop.

 He stops her and they chat and she tells him how good she’s doing, the boatload of supplements her doctor has put her on and how her 20 week scan is next Thursday. It’s crazy how much calmer she is than him about all of this considering he’s not actually been involved with much of the process and he’s bricking it, meanwhile Sam is radiating contentment, one hand resting on the new swell of her belly as she talks.

 She promises to give him a call on Thursday after her appointment and send him a copy of the scan and he says thanks because he can’t say what he really feels which is more like this is the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. They say cheerio and continue on their separate ways and Louis doesn’t let himself think about how fast the months are going by and how completely unprepared he is for what happens when they get to nine months.

 ==

 The thing is, Louis thought about it for a while in high school, being gay. It wasn’t like he fancied a guy or anything like that. He had girlfriends and everything and it was fine. It was just that he kind of thought…maybe. Had maybe quietly known for ages. This fact about himself that he only thought about when he spent too much time in his head.

 But he remembers being fifteen and thinking about it more all of a sudden.

 He doesn’t even remember how it started but he remembers he used to wait until his sisters and his mum had gone to bed and then use the family computer in the dining room to visit this forum. He’s never been good at the internet but he found this one LGBT youth site anyways and it turns out it’s a whole lot easier find information on the internet than it is having an excruciating chat with your mum or your guidance teacher.

 It was mostly kids his age trying to figure out if they were gay or bi or whatever. It was a bit weird but there was this kind of hot urgent feeling he got in his chest when he scrolled through the site.

 He went out with Kelly Aimes for most of last year and it was fine but it never made him feel like this.

 It was being ten again and his nana watching Corrie every night while they ate their tea in the living room and seeing the gay storyline with Todd Grimshaw, a bloke kissing another bloke on Corrie of all things. It was just a quick shot, the camera panned away quickly but he remembered how shocking it felt, how he didn’t want anyone to know that he wanted to see it again.

 “I can’t believe they’re allowed to show this before the watershed” his nana said like it was rude and he felt his cheeks get hot. She loved Julian Clary in the Christmas pantos and Lily Savage on Blankety Blank, but this was different, inappropriate.

 He didn’t even like Corrie but he’d stay in the room and watch it with his nana and him mum anyways, just to see if there was any more of the storyline, desperately hoping they didn’t notice his sudden interest and figure it out.

 Finding the forum was like that all over again. The embarrassment of it all, of reading about girls crushing on girls and blokes wanting other blokes and not being able to stop. Even when he stops going on the forum he keeps thinking about it.

 He thinks about it for long enough he starts to feel kind of bold. Starts dropping little hints here and there, not at home in front of his family but at school mucking about with his mates or in class. Making jokes that maybe aren’t completely jokes, tongue in cheek comments about fit actors, that sort of thing. He was already loud and attention seeking, it’s not like he started acting any different. It was more like an in-joke that only he got. He was the same as he’d always been, just a bit louder about it maybe.

 Then in Year 12 he goes to a house party thrown by a girl in his school.

 He’s standing around in the garden smoking because it's Jade’s house and her parents would hit the roof if they smoked inside. A group from the year below them are on the decking on the other side of the garden drinking and talking and smoking even though it’s getting chilly out.

He’s chatting to Jason who's sitting on a plastic chair with a tartan blanket wrapped around his shoulders and a can of Carlsberg dangling from one hand.

 The back door opens spilling out noise and light and Amirah comes stumbling out and across the patio towards them.

 When she reaches them she drops herself straight down onto Jason’s lap, mini skirt riding up. She grabs the can out of his hand without asking and takes a swig.

 Those two aren’t a thing, as far as Louis knows, but Amirah is one of the fittest girls in the year so Jason probably isn’t complaining about her mooching his alcohol, not with her sitting on his knee like that. Louis has no idea if she’s actually interested in Jason or if she just likes the attention. It’s a thing girls do sometimes isn’t it, flirt with no real meaning behind it. If a guy flirts it’s because he wants to pull, they’re obvious like that.

 “Alright. How’s it going Louis?” She tilts the can up towards him before taking a drink.

 “Alright yeah.” He taps the ash off the end of his fag and shrugs. They’re in the same English class but he doesn’t think he’s ever had an actual conversation with her before.

 She takes another drink and bats Jason’s hand away when he tries to take the can back from her.

 “So Louis, here I heard from Steph you’re gay. S’it true?” she asks, head tilted expectantly and Louis chokes on his beer.

 He has no idea what is showing on his face, he wasn’t at all prepared for that. Maybe he should have been. His face is hot, probably going bright red. People are saying that?

 When he laughs it off it comes out weak sounding.

 “What the fuck?” He says a bit too forcefully and snorts. “No, where did you hear that?”

 Amirah’s perfectly drawn eyebrows go up. “Hey it’s fine I’m not judging or anything…” and he barks out a laugh that has a couple of people suddenly looking over at them.

 His chest feels hot and at the back of his mind he’s annoyed at his reaction but it’s not…he doesn’t want folk at school saying that about him.

 “Ha ha yeah that’s pretty funny but it’s uh, it’s obviously not true.” He flicks his cigarette butt onto the ground and stamps on it a couple of times, smashing it into the paving stone. They don’t have any kids like that in their school.

 “Right...okay then.” She says with a shrug and he knows she doesn’t believe him. There’s a flicker of embarrassed shame and he pushes it away. Doesn’t want to think about it.

 Jason doesn’t say anything at all, he looks like he’s starting to tip over from tipsy to drunk and Louis isn’t sure he’s even paying attention to them. The hand he has on Amirah’s thigh is sliding a bit too high.

 Amirah doesn’t say anything else and Louis reaches for another can at his feet, chugs half of it before speaking again.

 “So do you think Stephen Dontel is going to get expelled?” He asks, casting about for anything to change the topic.

 Stevie Hastings hears him from across the decking and comes closer to their group, bringing a couple of people with him.

 “I heard something happened, what did he actually do?”

 “He emptied like eighty live goldfish into the swimming pool.” Jason says, voice heavy with the booze and admiration.

 The group bursts into laughter and one of Stevie’s mates adds in “they had to close the whole pool, they’re gonna have to drain it and everything.”

 “Yeah the first years who had Swimming first period came in and there was just loads of dead fish floating in the pool, it was well mental.”

 “He said he didn’t think they’d die, he thought they’d be swimming around and shit.”

 “What a daft cunt” Stevie laughs, “of course they all died, pools are full of chlorine!”

 It’s starting to get too chilly to stay outside so their little group breaks up after a couple of minutes.

 Jason’s had more than one beer too many and he’s obviously much more interested in whether Amirah wants to take a walk with him than staying and hanging out with Louis so he says bye and watches them stumble off around the side of the house.

 He doesn't stay at the house party much longer, decides he isn't feeling it.

 He goes home and tries not to think about who Amirah was talking to about him. He can’t believe there are actually rumours about him, it makes him cringe just thinking about it.

 It’s one thing to think about guys at home in your bedroom but he doesn’t actually, shit saying it out loud is just. It doesn’t sound like him. There’s a difference between thinking about guys and being gay gay. He isn’t gay gay.

 If people think he’s gay they’ll expect him to…act like it. To start buying his clothes in River Island or dying his hair or something. He doesn’t want to do any of that. He’d have to like, tell his family or something and, no. He doesn’t want any of that.

 There’s an uncomfortable week or two where he worries about rumours spreading about him, but when everything goes on as normal he relaxes. He puts it in a box and stops thinking about it, goes on with his life like normal and doesn’t really dwell on it.

 It was...it wasn’t ever anything really.

 ==

 When it happens it kind of all happens in a blur.

 Sam texts him a couple days after her due date, just after dinner time. The text says she’s going into labour and her mum’s going with her to the hospital.

 Louis sits up all night on the sofa with his mum keeping him company. He feels completely numb, it’s too surreal to imagine that there’s going to be an actual real baby in a couple of hours.

 ==

 He meets her for the first time in the hospital.

 She’s so so little and red and creased looking and she has on the tiniest mittens he’s ever seen.

 He reaches out to stroke her tiny hand with his finger and says “look at these”.

 Sam’s mum who’s holding the baby but hasn’t actually spoken to Louis yet says “They’re to stop her from scratching herself accidentally.” She probably isn’t trying to make him feel stupid but he didn’t know that. He didn’t know babies might scratch their face when they’re that little. He doesn’t know anything about her or how to take care of her and he’s shitting himself.

 Sam’s mum has been with her all night and Louis only just got there but suddenly her brother and dad come in with flowers and balloons and teary hugs for Sam and little Kaitlin. They must know who he is, but no one introduces themselves to him. He doesn’t want to make it any more awkward than it already is so he moves back, standing with his hands fisted in the pockets of his trackies while everyone crowds the bed and congratulates Sam on doing such a great job.

 Louis watches Sam with the baby and her family, she looks exhausted but utterly besotted. When Sam's mum sits him in a chair and teaches him how to hold baby Kaitlin properly he feels exactly the same.

 She's so soft and little, stays sleeping in his arms for ages while he stares at her trying to get his head around how she’s actually here. He holds her until the nurse comes to tell Sam she can go home and everyone starts helping her to pack her things.

 When he hands Kaitlin back over to get strapped into her brand new carrier he feels a sick panic in his stomach like Sam and her family might walk out the hospital with the baby and he’ll never be allowed to see them again and he realises he doesn’t want that to happen.

 It doesn’t happen though, he goes back to Sam’s house with her and they sit on the sofa for hours holding her and talking quietly about nothing much.

 For a couple of hours the constant anxious static in his mind drops to a barely noticeable hum for the first time in eight months.

 ==

 He doesn’t take Kaitlin out much when he has her. They mostly stay in the house, watch TV together and take naps.

 He’s taken her to the park a few times, mostly when his mum has been there with him.

 He finds out it’s a lot harder to do when he’s just himself. There’s all her stuff to get together and her day bag to pack. It takes a ridiculously long time to get them both ready to leave the house. The pram is really bulky and hard to manoeuvre on the gravel path and when she starts crying and he can’t calm her down it feels like everyone staring at him. He feels like it’s obvious that he has no idea what he’s doing.

 So they mostly hang out on the couch in front of the TV with the select few toys that live at Louis house. He’s going to get more, she’s just not that interested in them yet.

 Right now she mostly wants her bottle and to be held. He’s pretty much got those two things down, he’ll deal with the rest as it comes.

 That’s kind of how it goes for a while. Working during the day and looking after Kaitlin on the days he has her.

 ==

 His mum asks him one day, how long it’s been since he hung out with any of his mates.

 “I dunno.” He shrugs. “It’s busy with Kaitlin and stuff, I can’t exactly take her to watch the footie.” He’s holding a stuffed tiger, leaning down to shake it at Kaitlin in her carry seat on the floor.

 They are at his mum’s visiting because Louis had to get out of the flat for a bit but he didn’t want to take Kaitlin too far in case she needed fed or cried or got sick or something.

 “Honey, you’ve still got to take time for yourself. You can’t just be at work and looking after Kaitlin all the time.”

 He shrugs again. “I only have her on the weekends really.” His mum gives him a look. “Come off it, we’re visiting you right now aren’t we?” Kaitlin makes a noise to back him up and grabs unsuccessfully for the tiger.

 “Ugh that’s not the same thing Louis. If you can’t find the time then ask me, I’m happy to look after her so you can go out and see your friends for a night.”

 “I know that.” He does, she’s the absolute best mum, always helping him out and never making it seem like it’s any kind of burden.

 She looks at him for a bit then pats his knee. “Maybe you should have a couple of the guys over to yours, they can meet Kaitlin. Your friends probably miss you bub, they’ll be excited to meet the new baby.”

 He snorts. “I’m pretty sure hanging out with a baby isn’t their idea of a good time mum.” She rolls her eyes, “Don’t be an idiot Louis. I know you’re going through a tough time but don’t push your friends away.” He looks away and chews his lip, he’s been pretty shit at replying to texts lately but he’s been a little busy to be fair. She’s right though, he should start replying to messages.

 “Okay yeah I’ll ask them if they wanna come round.”

 He gets pulled in for a hug. “Proud of you bub” she tells him and smacks a kiss on his cheek.

  _Sure_ he thinks bitterly _what a great son_.

 ==

 “I can’t wait till I’m a dad” Ryan grins at him from the sofa where baby Kaitlin is lying on her back on his thighs, bundled up in the zebra onesie her granny brought her. She’s so tiny and crinkled and cute looking, not even crying for once, and Louis nods in acknowledgement.

 He’s ridiculously jealous of Ryan because he doesn’t have to fucking worry about any of this right now.

 Hopefully none of what he feels is showing on his face.

 He loves Kaitlin he absolutely does, he wants to protect her from everything, but he doesn’t want to be a dad. He can’t understand why anyone would want this, it’s exhausting and it’s lonely as fuck. He’s constantly shattered from the lack of sleep and the worry that he’s not doing things right and the fear that something bad is going to happen to her because she’s so helpless and she’s relying on him for everything.

 He’s her dad and he loves her but he kind of wishes she wasn’t his, he wishes Sam hadn’t kept her and that’s so fucking shitty he knows, Kaitlin deserves so much better than him.

 She deserves some happy, responsible, thirty-something couple who are in love with each other and have good jobs. Parents who’ve, y’know planned for this and saved up and stuff.

 Not an idiot like him who can’t even be trusted to wear a rubber.

 ==

 Before Kaitlin came along, Louis hadn't really thought that much about having kids. He likes kids, he’d always vaguely wanted to have them one day, in theory. He always just kind of assumed that eventually he’d get married somewhere down the line and have a family same as anyone else.

 Now he is someone’s dad, technically, but he doesn’t have anything in common with the guys at work who spend their weekends at home with their wives and kids. Proper dads who commiserate about sleepless nights and give each other advice. He’s just the guy that looks after Kaitlin one or twice a week or on the weekends to give Sam a bit of a break. He never imagined anything like this.

 ==

 It’s Sunday and he’s got the whole day to himself. No work, no plans, no baby. He’s wakes up at eight then rolls over and goes back to sleep for another couple hours.

 When he wakes up again it’s eleven and he lounges around in bed not really fussed about getting up or doing anything with his day. After a while he grabs his laptop and loads some porn but after ten minutes he isn’t getting into it at all. He isn’t even all the way hard.

 He wants to get off and de-stress a bit but it's not working. It’s like his brain is horny but his body won’t get with the program.

 He groans in frustration, who can’t even enjoy a wank?

 It’s been ages since he’s slept with anyone, since before Kaitlin was born. Shit since Kaitlin was conceived and that’s kind of weird to think about. She’s ten months old, how has it been that long?

 He hasn’t really wanted to is the thing. When he thinks back to being twenty two it feels like a different lifetime. He doesn’t feel like the same person.

 He certainly never used to have issues like this, he’d wank every night before bed, in the shower in the morning too if he felt like it. He didn’t hook up every single time he went out but he got laid plenty. Enough. A normal amount for a lad his age probably.

 Nowadays he’s trying to coax his dick into getting hard.

 He chalks it up to stress or tiredness. He’s spent all of his days off this month either with the baby or picking up extra shifts at work because he can always use the money. He hasn’t gone out with the lads to let off some steam in ages. He doesn’t think about how normal this has become for him nowadays.

 Pretty much the only time he goes out now is when the guys go for a pint after football, if he makes it to a game. He still gets a text sometimes, inviting him out on a Saturday night with the old crew. But they always go to the same shit clubs he’s been going to since he was a teenager and he’s just not feeling it these days.

 He watches another couple of videos and plays with himself mindlessly for a bit but it isn’t going to happen. Eventually he gives up and pushes his laptop off onto the floor. He spends the rest of the day switching between his bed and his sofa watching episodes of Top Gear on Dave.

 ==

 Harry turns up at their five-aside game one night and slots himself in with the other lads like he’s always been there.

 It’s been kind of a shitty day for Louis so far; an argument with Sam over who was meant to take Kaitlin to the doctors to get her booster jags next week, work turning into an absolute ball-ache what with his boss screaming at him in front of everyone for something that wasn’t even his fault and then to top it off he realised that he totally forgot to call his Gran yesterday on her birthday.

 He almost cancels on football but he hasn’t been able to make it to a game in weeks so he convinces himself to go.

 By the time he gets onto the pitch his bad mood has settled into a low pulsing pain behind his eyes making him snappy and the other lads are giving him a bit of extra space while they warm up.

 Raj turns up about right then with a new guy in tow and starts to make the rounds introducing him to everyone. They just play for fun so most people aren’t worried about staying in shape but this bloke looks like he actually goes to the gym more than once a month and Louis thinks there’s probably a decent amount of power in his legs with thighs like those. It shakes him out of his bad mood a little, the prospect of some new skill on the team.

 Raj claps Louis on the shoulder on the way past while he’s trying to stretch out his calf muscles. “Harry this is Louis by the way, Louis - Harry” The newbie, Harry, gives him a smile and a half wave. Louis shoots him a hi while he presses into a lunge.

 They both drop their water bottles down nearby and start their own warm ups. As more people filter into the rough semi-circle they have going Harry introduces himself to them all with a wide easy smile and Louis overhears a bit of chat between Harry and their goalie Mikey and can tell straight off that he’s not a Yorkshire lad.

 After stretching Louis grabs a ball out of the kit bags he’d left on the sidelines. He checks his phone out of habit while he’s there and sees two missed calls from his mum and radio silence from Sam. Fucking brilliant. He slides the phone back into the side pocket and re-zips the bag with a bit more force than necessary.

 The guys are crowding around chatting when he comes back onto the pitch. Gordon and Ryan are leaning towards Harry and all three of them start laughing uproariously at something as Louis jogs over to join them.

 “So are we having a chat or we gonna play football tonight lads?” it comes out flat and bitchy instead of joking like he meant and there are a couple of raised eyebrows.

 “‘S climbed up your arse Tommo?” Gordon asks and Louis face gets hot. Fucks sake he just wants to play some football and forget his shitty day.

 Before he can reply Harry interrupts, his voice deeper than Louis realised. “Yeah let’s get this game going, I’ve got some skills to show off.” The guys start to split off into teams and Harry nudges his elbow on the way past, giving him a quick smile.

 Louis hasn’t figured out his accent yet but it definitely isn’t local, he's friendly though.

 They have enough numbers to play five-on-five. Louis and the rest of his side give Harry a bit of a tough time on the pitch. Hound him a little, intercept him every single time he gets the ball. There’s no malice behind it, they’re just trying to feel out the new guy, test his limits.

 Over the course of the game it becomes clear that Harry is super enthusiastic and cheerful but also kind of.. bad at football.

 He’s also bad at losing with a face like absolute fizz when his side end up the losers.

 Louis feels a lot better after running around for an hour, and kind of annoyed at himself for letting his bad day weigh him down so much.

 Despite Harry not being as good as most of the other guys he’s a lot of fun on the field. There’s something about Harry’s endless energy that Louis likes, the rest of the team seem to feel it too, playing harder than they usually do, buoyed up by Harry’s enthusiasm, even if he didn’t manage to net his team a win.

 Afterwards, on the walk back to their cars, Harry catches up to him and grabs the second team kit bag to help load them into Louis car boot. He’s a bit surprised because he didn’t think he’d endeared himself to Harry tonight, what with the being kind of a moody dick and also scoring against Harry’s team repeatedly.

 “Thanks, it’s fine though it’s not heavy.”

 “I know, just wanted to help.” Harry hovers, his eyebrows still creased in a little frown. He’s leaning against Louis bumper, probably getting his jeans manky because god knows the last time this car went through a wash.

 “See you guys next week.” Mikey says as he gets in his car parked behind Louis’.

 “See ya Mikes.” Louis replies and nods at the other lads as they head off, a couple of them clapping him on the back on the way past.

 “So eh, do you mind if we swap numbers?” Harry asks, head tilted. “Raj told me about tonight but he said you usually organise the games and stuff? If you guys don’t mind me coming along that is, I kind of invited myself tonight.” Louis doesn’t really know why Harry is asking for his number specifically.

 “I’m not like, in charge of organising, we just take turns usually.” Which is true. “But you’re welcome to play, we’re always looking for numbers.”

 “So you don’t mind if I join the team then?” Harry checks.

 “Course not” Louis shrugs, thinking he would kind of like it if Harry turned up again. It was nice to have someone new on the team, even if he wasn’t the best player, they just play for fun anyways.

 So Louis gives Harry his number even though Harry must already have Raj’s number but whatever.

 When he gets home he’s got a text from an unknown number that reads _Thanks again! -H_

 ==

 It’s kind of surprising that Harry gets on with everyone so well.

 To be fair Harry has good banter and he’s always up for a laugh, but he isn’t from round their way. Even though he says he’s from Manchester he still sounds a bit posh, kind of like Louis’ wanker boss who comes up from London once a month.

 When he’s introduced to Ryan’s mate Litzy the first time they invite him to the pub he asks straight off “so where do you work?”

 “I was up at Amazon but they laid a load of us off just after Christmas there” Litzy had shrugged.

 Louis remembers how Harry went a bit red and looked embarrassed, going kind of quiet. Either because he thought he’d made things awkward by asking or because he had been embarrassed for Litzy.

 As nice and laid back as Harry is he’s kind of awkward around them at times and Louis isn’t totally sure what Harry has in common with most of the lads in their group.

 Put it this way, he wouldn’t be surprised to find out Harry’s parents drive Land Rovers and only shop in Waitrose or something. That’s the kind of impression he gets.

 Still, Harry’s a good lad. Louis is glad to have him around.

 ==

 They probably should have cancelled the game tonight but like he argued on the group chat it’s barely drizzling and a little bit of rain never hurt anyone.

 By the time he gets to the pitch it’s turned into a miserable night. Dark clouds are hanging low overhead and the spitting rain has turned into a steady drizzle.

 Wet AstroTurf is a nightmare to slide on but the grass pitch is unusable in this kind of weather so they just have to deal with it. It's much darker than it should be at five o'clock and the sports centre has turned the big flood lights on already.

 Louis has a sweatshirt on with the hood pulled up to keep the rain off his face. His shorts are starting to cling to his legs as he jogs in place to warm up.

 He wasn’t going to come tonight, he’s always too exhausted after work to run after a ball, but he hasn’t been anywhere that isn’t his flat or work for weeks and he’s going mental so he forced himself to drive straight to the pitch after work so he wouldn’t go home and get too lazy to move again.

 His muscles start to warm up and he’s glad he’s out and doing something for once despite the rain.

 There's a tap on his elbow and he turns to see Harry, Raj behind him dribbling a ball.

 Harry says a cheerful “Hey Lou” and Louis immediately bursts out laughing. Harry's hair does not cope well in rain at all.

 His hand flies up to cover his mouth. “Oh my god,” he laughs “sorry it's just, your hair…” he watches Harry run a hand through the frizzy mess on top of his head. “Is it bad?” His nose scrunches up when he asks.

 “Uh… kind of, no sorry its fine. It's fine ignore me.” Harry looks like a disgruntled poodle but he doesn't want him to think he's a dick so he keeps it to himself. Harry seems like a sound lad. Louis is glad he’s kept coming to games and he wants him to stick around. New blood on the team and all, even if Harry isn’t the best player they’ve got.

 Harry tries to comb his fingers through the mess and then rolls his eyes and gives up when his fingers get tangled in the strands.

 “I think it’s a lost cause mate.”

 Harry makes the grumpy poodle face again and Louis bites his cheek to hold back a laugh.

 It’s not that Harry is the worst but he’s not good exactly and Louis is surprised he can even see behind the mess of dripping curls falling into his face tonight. Somehow though, and he has no idea how, Harry actually manages to get the ball away from Louis for the first time ever during the game and makes a pass that connects with Ryan waiting in midfield.

 Harry looks as surprised as Louis does for a second and then recovers and jabs his finger towards him. “That’s for insulting my hair Tomlinson!”

 Louis bursts out laughing.

 ==

 Harry is Raj’s friend really, they know each other from work, but when the group gets together it’s Louis that he mostly ends up hanging out with.

 They’re at their usual pub on a Thursday night and Louis has made it out for once. He usually skips out on the pub after footie because he’d rather save money and get a decent night’s sleep but his mum has been on his case again about getting out of the flat more.

 At the table the lads are planning to get together on Saturday to watch the football at a pub in town that’s showing the game on a huge screen in their beer garden and then go out in town, but Louis can’t make it because he has plans with Kaitlin already.

 “Is Kaitlin your girlfriend?” Harry asks and Louis nearly shoots beer out of his nose, the other boys cackling. Harry looks at them with a bemused half smile, eyebrows up in a question.

 “She’s my daughter.” He explains, feeling only a little bit awkward. Harry turns a bit pink. “Oooh, right. Sorry.”

 “No worries.” Louis says and takes an uncomfortable sip of his pint. This is what sucks about going out with the lads now, everyones laughing about who was off their tits last time they want out clubbing and he’s got nothing to add because he spent Saturday night watching Beauty and The Beast at Sam’s flat twice in a row because it’s Kaitlin’s new favourite thing.

 But somehow instead of being an awkward conversation stopper Harry leans in and asks him how old she is and whether Louis has any pictures of her on his phone.

 Of course he has pictures of her on his phone, tons of them.

 Harry ends up with Louis’ phone scrolling through his instagram and cooing at the pictures.

 “I’ve never seen such a happy baby” He says, smiling stupidly as he thumbs down the screen.

 “Yeah well,” Louis says “she’s not that happy all the time.” He laughs as he watches Harry scroll down further to a picture of Kaitlin in a pink and yellow summer dress over her nappy and a bright orange sun hat sitting on his mum’s knee on a bench screaming bloody murder.

 “She hates the ducks I think.” He explains pointing at the mallards clustered in front of the bench.

 “Aww that’s so cute.” Harry says and he’s probably just being polite but Louis is kind of flattered because his baby is really cute and her pictures definitely don’t get enough attention. His sisters and his mum always like them, but his mates aren’t really at the baby stage in life yet. He isn’t used to showing her off like this really.

 At some point Harry friends himself from Louis’ account and Louis shakes his head in amusement. Who wants to follow his feed of baby pictures and the odd cliché food pic? Harry is such an odd one.

==

 He doesn’t make it to a pickup game for a couple of weeks but the next time he does it’s at the start of the month so everyone has been paid and the whole group is up for going to get a couple of beers nearby afterwards.

 It’s pretty busy when they get to the pub. Gordon and Raj head for a table while Louis and Ryan navigate their way through the crowd towards the bar, the rest of the boys milling about chatting.

 The crowd is hot and loud and a little bit rowdy for a Thursday night and Louis is glad to get to the front of the bar, debit card clutched in his hand. Just as it’s his turn to get served he feels a warm weight at his back and Harry’s deep voice in his ear “I’ll get these, go sit.”

 He tells him not to be silly but Harry insists it’s his turn because Louis bought them a round last time they came out, which is true but he’s surprised Harry remembered, so he pushes back from the bar and lets Harry slide into the space instead. Harry is always offering to get someone a drink or buy a round for the table and Louis doesn’t want to be the kind of guy that takes advantage of that, but seeing as he really did buy their drinks last time he figures they’re even.

 When Harry finds them at the booth they’ve claimed Louis slides along to let him in, grabbing one of the pints off him as he does.

 Five guys crammed into a booth is kind of sweaty and uncomfortable but the beer is cold and perfect and Louis is glad for the company of anyone that isn’t his family or a work colleague or the baby for once that he doesn’t even care that he’s wedged in the middle spot between Harry and Gordon.

 Five minutes into an argument about whether Morinho is going to make champions of Chelsea this year a guy from behind the bar comes to drop a basket of spicy potato wedges off in front of Harry who pushes it into the middle between him and Louis.

 “For sharing” he says quietly to Louis only, biting into one and nudging him with his elbow.

 They finish the wedges between them while the boys chat shit across the table at each other and Louis feels the most chilled out he has in ages, he’s actually glad he came out for once.

 They’ve had a couple of rounds and everyone is reaching loose and tipsy when Gordon and AJ grab some board games off the window sill and convince everyone to play.

 Their end of the table ends crowded around a scrabble board with Louis and Harry teaming up against Gordon and Raj who drags a chair over to sit on the corner.

 Louis didn’t think he was that drunk but realises he’s having to concentrate a bit to make out the tiles.

 Harry’s winning, or maybe losing Louis has no idea actually because Harry finishes setting out his tiles to spell EXACT and then leans back and slides his left hand onto Louis leg under the table.

 He leaves it there warm and solid, rearranging this scrabble tiles with his right hand. Louis doesn’t react, he feels like he probably should but he’s warm and fuzzy and he thinks if he doesn’t say anything maybe he can just enjoy it and it won’t be a big deal.

 Without looking at Harry, Louis knocks their knees together lightly and takes another drink.

 For the rest of the game he makes an effort to look engrossed in the Scrabble board but really he’s floating on the buzz of alcohol, the company of his mates and the weight of Harry’s hand on his leg.

 He feels so fucking happy and relaxed sitting here with his friends, laughing at Gordon’s honest attempt to spell squirrel. He lets Harry coddle him by getting him a glass of water when he starts to get blurry around the edges. When he brings the water and a couple of packets of crisps back to the table his hand finds Louis leg under the table again, fingers curling lightly around his thigh.

 Harry’s a couple of years younger but he’s a lot more chill than Louis was at his age. At twenty two he was always jumping on someone’s back for a piggyback or wrestling with his mates when they’d had a few. He’s twenty four now and he’s only moved past rowdy lads nights out somewhere over the last year.

 All of his mates are still into the clubbing thing. He has no idea how he used to drink as much as he did and roll up to work with a hangover and four hours sleep.

 He’s had four pints on an empty stomach tonight and he’s half twatted.

 For the last half hour of the night Harry forces him to drink the water and finish two packets of crisps until he sobers up a little and offers to give him a lift home.

 In the morning he feels kind of embarrassed about how sloshed he was last night and that Harry had to get him home.

 He sends an apology text on the way to work and Harry’s reply comes back straight away.

 _what are you talking about? You were fine!_ and then _we should do it again some time :)_

 He breathes out, maybe he didn’t make a twat of himself in front of the lads then. Still he should probably have dinner before drinking next time.

 ==

 He had stopped going out at all for a while. He can’t exactly invite his mates round to watch Beauty and the Beast with Kaitlin or watch her colour in for hours.

 He’s started going to football again most weeks but he doesn’t always join the lads for a drink after, and when he does he mostly ends up hanging out with Harry who doesn’t seem to be part of the weekend lad crew either.

 Half the time Louis is so fucking shattered on the weekend he just wants to sleep in and then lay on the couch all day watching catch-up TV. He can’t go to work hungover nowadays. Not when he actually needs to concentrate on his shift and not when he knows he has to go and get Kaitlin from her gran’s house so he can get her fed before Sam picks her up on the way back from work.

 Maybe you really start getting old at twenty four.

 ==

  Harry crashes at Louis flat one or twice when they’ve been drinking and he doesn’t want to get a taxi home.

 Then once or twice becomes most Friday nights without Louis knowing exactly when it happened.

 Louis quietly realises that he spends more time with Harry than anyone else.

 ==

 “I don’t have loads of friends here Lou,” Harry tells him once, “like...it’s hard when you move somewhere new and you work all week.”

 “You hang out with loads of the guys though.”

 “No I know, but I mostly just see them if we play football or when everyone’s at the pub.”

 Louis nudges him and raises his eyebrows. “...are you trying to tell me that I’m your best friend Harold?”

 “Obviously” Harry says and tries to push him off the sofa. Louis squawks inelegantly, only just managing to stay on the cushion.

 “You’d better make me a friendship bracelet now you dick.”

 Louis rubs at his arm and rolls his eyes. “Pffft of course. We can make matching ones, pretty sure my sisters have all the supplies for it.”

 ==

 So that’s kind of how it goes, even on nights when they can’t go out or drink because Louis has Kaitlin Harry comes over to hang out anyways with doritos and salsa as sofa snacks.

 Louis looks over one night half way through Saturday Night Takeaway to see Kaitlin sacked out on Harry’s lap and he reaches a foot across the couch to jab Harry in the side and nod down at her.

 Harry looks down at Kaitlin’s little dorito-cheese covered fingers clutching his t-shirt, his eyebrows come together but he smiles despite himself.

 “You sure this is how you want to spend your Saturday night?” he asks, half joking.

 He gets a huff of laughter in reply, “she’s fine” Harry says as he tries to move Kaitlin into a more comfortable position.

 “I won’t be offended if you want to go out with the lads instead you know.” Louis doesn’t know why he’s pushing this but he is. Harry makes sound in his throat.

 “Nah I’d rather hang out with you guys to be honest.”

 Louis shrugs and takes him at his word and they go on like that.

 When some of the boys come round to his flat the Sunday after that to watch the Aston Villa - Everton game Harry is already there, and when they leave he stays for a little while longer.

 It’s a little bit high school, Louis can admit that, this kind of joined-at-the-hip, arms-around-shoulders friendship. But Harry didn’t know what Fun Party Louis was like, didn’t know Louis pre-kaitlin and just treats him normally and Louis really likes having someone to hang out with again. Someone who fits into his life the way it is now.

 ==

 He finishes work at half one on a Saturday afternoon, he’d come in to work a half shift at the last minute to cover for someone who’d called in sick. When he gets his phone out there’s a missed call from Harry. Shit did they have plans today and he forgot?

 He hits call and waits for Harry to answer while he clocks out.

 “Hey Lou” He sounds quiet.

 “Hey, sorry I missed your call I was at work. Whats up?”

 There’s shuffling on the line and then Harry’s voice comes back sounding closer than before.

 “I have to go home for a bit. My mum called me to say my aunt is in the hospital.”

 “Shit Harry I’m sorry, I hope she’s okay?” Harry sniffs a bit on the other side. “No I eh, it doesn’t sound very good to be honest. I’m just packing now, I’m going to drive down tonight. Just wanted to let you know.”

 Louis has stopped walking, he’s leaning against the wall outside this work. He never knows what to say with things like this, feels like he’s already put his foot in it already. “I’m really sorry to hear that Haz, you okay?”

 “Yeah...I’m okay I guess, I think my mum’s pretty upset right now. Just wanna go be with her.”

 “Yeah of course, take care driving down yeah? Do you need me to do anything while you’re gone?”

 “No I’ve called my boss already to say I won’t be in next week. They aren’t sure she’s going to make it through the night…I...I’m not sure what’s going to happen to be honest. I don’t know exactly when I’ll be back.”

 God he wishes they were having this conversation in person so at least he could offer Harry a cuddle, words seem crap in a situation like this.

 “Don’t worry Haz, just go be with your family. Let me know how things are yeah?”

 “Yeah of course, I’ll let you know. I’m gonna go finish packing so I can set off.”

 “Okay, speak to you later.” Harry ends the call and Louis stands where he is staring into space for a bit, stomach twisting and unsettled for Harry.

 ==

 He hears from Harry sporadically for the next week. Finds out after a couple of days that his aunt passed away later the same night he drove down. Harry and his mum go to stay with his grandma for a few days to help out while the funeral is being arranged.

 As far as Louis can tell he mostly spends his time keeping his grandma company and looking after the his little cousins who are too young to really understand what’s going on while the adults are busy with death certificates and funeral arrangements and planning a wake.

 Louis isn’t actually sure what happened with Harry’s aunt, whether it was sudden or if she’d been sick. Harry doesn’t mention it in his brief messages and Louis doesn’t want to ask, it feels like it would be too blunt a question.

 Instead he just lets Harry tell him how exhausted he is from grief and helping out family members Louis has never heard of before. He offers as much comfort and sympathy he can back over text. It’s a long week.

 The day after the funeral Harry drives back up to Donny and comes straight over to Louis’ flat.

 Louis opens the door to him in surprise. “Hey, did you just get back?” Harry looks dead on his feet, his hair is a mess and the bags under his eyes are dark. He doesn’t make a move to come into the flat, just kind of sways on his feet so Louis pulls him through the door and shuts it behind him.

 “Yeah, just got back.” He says, voice rough with exhaustion. “I can’t deal with being in my flat alone right now.” He sits on the couch without taking his coat off, hunched over and tense looking.

 “It’s fine, don’t worry about it. You’re always welcome over here you know that.”

 Harry’s throat clicks as he swallows. “Thank Lou.“

 Harry hasn't eaten all day so Louis orders a takeaway to get delivered and they curl up on the sofa in front of mindless Sunday night TV.

 Louis has no idea what they're watching, can't focus on much except Harry eating silently beside him, eyes staring blankly at the TV screen.

 He wonders if he should bring it up. If Harry wants to talk about it or if he would rather not scrape the wound open again.

 After eating about half a chicken korma Harry leaves the rest on the coffee table and lies back against the cushions with his eyes shut, hand coming up to pinch at the bridge of his nose.

 “You okay?” Louis asks quietly.

 “Yeah just, so fucking tired.” His hand rubs over his eyes.

 “I'm not surprised…do you wanna talk about it?”

 “I don't know, not really.” He shrugs and looks at Louis with bloodshot eyes. “I just-” His voice breaks and his breath hitches awkwardly.

 His hands come up to cover his face and Louis sees his shoulders shake.

 “ _Fuck._ ” He rubs a tear away angrily with the heel of his hand.

 “Shhh, I know” Louis puts his arm around his back and Harry curls into him to breath into his shoulder.

 “I feel like I should be cried out by now.” His voice is stretched so tight it sounds painful. Louis tightens his arms around him, palms his broad back and rubs in between his shoulder blades. “It doesn't work like that” he says into his hair.

 Eventually, when Harry has gone quiet and soft against him, Louis slowly untangles himself and goes to make tea. He brings the mugs back to the sofa and Harry curls back into him when he sits, slumping down so he can rest his head on Louis shoulder.

 He has his eyes closed but Louis can’t tell if he's sleeping or thinking.

 The tea eventually goes cold untouched on the table as Harry cuddles in close and Louis holds him quietly, unwilling to disturb the silence because he can’t fix this for Harry but he can at least be here for him.

 It's passed midnight when Harry stirs. He sits up, running his hand through his hair and looking for the time muzzily. His calf bumps gently into Louis’ and his voice is hoarse when he speaks. “You want to go to bed? S’getting late.”

 Louis nods and shakes himself awake enough to clear the mess off the table. While he's tidying up Harry gets his overnight bag out the car and rummages around for the toothbrush and pyjamas he’d taken to his mum’s house.

 By the time Louis crawls into bed Harry is already there, lying on his back and typing on his phone. He shuts the light off and crawls in next to him, hearing Harry’s phone clatter onto the table beside the bed.

 “You okay?”

 “Yeah just, my mum keeps messaging me. Wanting to know how I’m doing. It’s stressing me out a bit.” Louis turns to to lie on his side facing him in the dark. “I wish she’d just stop,” Harry continues quietly “I think she just needs someone to talk to though.”

 “Was your aunt your mum’s sister?”

 “Yeah, her older sister.” There’s a catch in Harry’s voice. “She’s taking it really hard I think.”

 “I’m sorry, that’s so tough.” He reaches out for Harry in the dark, hand stroking up and down his forearm as soothingly as he can manage, not sure what to do with this much hurt.

 “She’s doing okay, we’re all here for her at least. We’ll get through it.”

 “Course you will. It just takes time.” It will take time. Harry might be grieving but he’s not broken apart. Sad and drained from the emotional exhaustion of the past week, but he’s piecing himself back together Louis can see it and it eases the anxiety in his chest somewhat. He’s glad when Harry falls asleep before him.

 ==

 In the morning he wakes up before Harry and nips to the shop for supplies. By the time Harry shuffles into the living room Louis is most of the way done making bacon butties for them.

 They end up on the couch with the duvet watching TV until Jeremy Kyle turns into Loose Women. Harry is quiet but he seems a bit more like himself. Louis doesn't bring up the reason they're on the sofa with his duvet, just keeps up a steady light chatter about the people on TV and Jezza, hoping it's helping Harry feel normal at least.

 Harry is pretty sleepy and quiet all morning and Louis is mostly left to his own thoughts. He's never done this before, never lost someone closer to him than a grandparent or seen it happen to one of his friends. He has no real experience with death, it makes him feel really young. Like he wants to call his mum and ask the best way to comfort someone who’s grieving, what he should be doing.

 One of his grandpas died when he was little but he was only five so he doesn’t remember much of it. He didn’t even go to the funeral, his mum dropped him off at his friend Robbie’s house for the day while she went. If he’d given his mum a ring maybe she’d have told him what the right thing to say is to someone who's grieving.

 He sticks to making endless cups of tea, even if they don’t all get drunk it makes him feel useful at least. At lunchtime he clears their breakfast plates away and brings back cheese and ham toasties for the both of them.

 Harry stretches and sits up properly, reaching for the plate, when he says thanks his voice all croaky.

 Louis watches him pick at the toastie.

 He doesn’t...he can’t even imagine how he would cope with anything happening to someone in his family. It would be the end of the world.

 When Kaitlin was first born he had these hyper vivid nightmares that something had happened to her when he wasn’t around, never specific, just a feeling of suffocating panic and fear. He still gets it sometimes. He wonders if that’s what this is like for Harry, or if he’s just sad.

 “How you feeling?”

 “Yeah I’m okay, m’getting there.”

 “It’ll take as much time as it takes.”

 Harry nods and hunches his shoulders a little. “I guess...I’ve been thinking…you can’t really be prepared for something like a death. When it happens you don’t have a choice you know. You just gotta deal with it.” Jesus. Louis reels him in for a side hug almost knocking the plate off his lap in the process.

 “Just as long as you know you don’t have to deal with it by yourself.” Harry nods and pinches him in the side gently. “Yeah I’ve got you here to make me seventeen cups of tea an hour.”

 “Oi! That’s a great British tradition you know, when we don’t know what to do we make tea alright…” Harry actually cracks a small smile. “Thank you for the tea.”

 “You’re welcome.”

 He runs a hand through his hair, greasy from where he’s been lying on it all night.

 “Can I run a bath? Do you mind?”

 “A bath? Who takes baths after the age of five?”

 Harry actually looks put out. “…I do?”

 Louis shakes his head. “Of course you do”

 “Excuse me, what does that mean?”

 “Ugh nothing, go take your bloody bath.”

 “It’s relaxing” Harry says, forehead creased in a grumpy frown. He shakes his head and pushes Harry towards the bathroom. “Shushed, go take your bath.”

 It just seems like such a Harry thing. Who has time to take an actual bath?

 While Harry is soaking Sam stops by to drop Kaitlin off and Louis realises the state of the living room with cups of cold tea lying on the table, duvet half falling off the sofa and dirty plates left on the cushions. He chats with Sam quietly at the door before she goes, she doesn’t really know Harry much past a smile and a wave but she asks how he’s getting on, gives Louis a lingering hug before she leaves. He’s not the one that needs the hug but he appreciates it.

 Harry comes out of the bath and goes straight into Louis’ bedroom to nap, still looking drawn and exhausted.

 Trying to keep the noise down he puts on a movie on for Kaitlin while he tidies up and then sits and colours with her on the floor for a while. At four-ish he pops her into her bouncy seat in the living room doorway where he can see her from the kitchen while he sorts out something to feed her.

 He hears Harry rattling about for a minute and then the bedroom door opens. When he comes out he makes a beeline for Kaitlin in her bouncy seat on the floor with a loud “Hiiii kitkat!” and unclips her to pick her up and sit her on his hip. His hair is wild from being slept on wet but he’s looking a lot better than he was earlier, less pale and blank.

 “Harry can you bring her through so I can give her her tea?” He shouts from the kitchen, turning back to the cupboards and raking for a jar of food he thinks she might actually eat.

 “It's fine just give me her food and I'll feed her” Harry says coming to stand just outside he kitchen. “You go ahead and get your dinner.”

 “You can feed her but you need to put her in the high chair” He looks over to where Harry is making a face.

 “I don't think she likes being in the high chair”

 Louis rolls his eyes, for fuck’s sake.

 “Harry just put her in it or she'll make a huge mess”

 He must know Louis is one hundred percent right because she ends up in her hair chair scooping out chunks of puréed bolognese and flinging them around, sometimes getting them into her mouth.

 Harry would be one of those hippy free spirit parents right up until he got organic spinach mashed into his hair and all over his clothes.

 After she’s fed Louis puts a frozen pizza in for them and watches Harry crawl about on the floor with Kaitlin and her peppa pig toy until she gets bored with the game and ends up on the sofa with Louis, crying for twenty minutes straight because he won’t share his pizza with her.

 About seven they take Kaitlin round to Louis mum's house where Sam will pick her up from in the morning because Louis is on an early shift.

 It’s not a bad day, not super relaxing but looking after a one year old never is. Louis is glad Harry spent the day with them though, hopes that the normality of it helped him get his mind off things for a couple of hours at least.

 It’s almost ten o’clock by the time Harry actually goes home.

 Louis walks him to the door and leans a shoulder against the wall.

 “You gonna be okay?”

 “Yeah, think I just need to get back to work, get back to normal.”

 “Well if you need a break you know you’re always welcome round here.”

 Harry gives him a smile, it’s a tired one but genuine, dimple flashing briefly. He gives Louis a short one-armed hug and a pat on the back before lifting his overnight back up on his shoulder and heading off down the stairwell.

 By the time Louis is in bed it’s after ten and he has to be up at four for his shift, but he lies in bed for ages.

 Awake in the dark and overthinking.

 ==

 Harry is slouched against him, back against his chest with his long legs stretched out on the couch, bracketed by Louis’. Louis can’t reach his beer on the table without moving him but Harry is sleep-heavy so he leaves the can where it is.

 They’re watching the Sunday afternoon game between Arsenal and Stoke because Louis put it on. Harry probably isn’t even paying that much attention, Louis isn’t even sure he’s still awake he’s so quiet and still.

 Running his knuckles up and down Harry’s side, he can feel his chest rising and falling with slow deep breaths.

 “M’almost asleep” Harry mumbles eventually and shifts against him like he’s going to move but Louis pushes him back down with a hand on his stomach. “It’s fine, just have a kip.”

 With a sleepy stretch Harry relaxes back into him, Louis’ arm loosely around his middle.

 Louis is always fidgeting. His fingers play with the bottom of Harry’s t-shirt where the material is rucked up, tugging it down and then smoothing it out as Harry breaths evenly, eyes closed. He runs his hand over the material, smoothing the palm of his hand down Harry’s chest and over his stomach. Once the material is lying flat he pushes his hand up under and leaves it pressed warm against the softness of Harry’s stomach, rising and falling with each slow breath.

 At half time Harry rouses himself and leans forward just enough to grab Louis beer off the table and passes it back to him.

 As Louis takes a drink he makes grabby hands until he shares. When they’ve almost emptied the can between them Louis drains the rest and leaves it down beside the sofa and then pulls Harry back into him with an arm around his chest.

 Harry makes a little sound as he gets comfy and Louis echoes it back, tightening his hold.

 They’re in a Sunday afternoon bubble, all warm and lazy and comfortable.

 On TV a viking in a fur coat and a silly accent is trying to sell them a credit card and Louis scratches absently over Harry’s stomach, feels him press up a little into his hand. He cups the soft curve of his belly and strokes his fingers over the skin above his waistband. He makes slow sweeps back and forth over the sleep warm skin, Harry pressing lazily into the touch, breath deep and relaxed.

 After a while Louis dips his fingers under the waistband of Harry’s sweatpants to reach better and keeps stroking his thumb up and down slowly, the soft fuzz of public hair brushes against the tips of his fingers.

 Eventually his thumb stills, the skin under his hand smooth and warm and a little sweaty.

 As the second half starts Harry hums quietly and moves his legs apart a bit and Louis moves with him, settling his hand into the curve of Harry’s thigh.

 Harry feels perfectly relaxed, breathing slow, half asleep in Louis’ arms, both of them still.

 The game finishes with a tense last minute goal to make it 3-2 and Harry’s dick has firmed up a little while they’ve been lying there.

 He isn’t hard but there's a thick bulge in his jogging bottoms, heavy like it wouldn’t take him much to get there.

 His fingers come up to trace a line up and down Louis’ forearm, the arm that’s currently down the front of his mate’s joggers. He shouldn’t be -. This isn’t what mates do.

 He’s only had one beer but he’s drinking on an empty stomach and the alcohol is going to his head.

 He takes his hand out of Harry’s waistband and sits up a bit against the arm of the couch, jostling Harry.

 “Heyy I was comfy.” he grumbles and reluctantly moves to sit up next to Louis instead but he doesn’t say anything else and Louis is grateful.

 ==

 Louis looks sometimes.

 They’ll be a guy in front of him in the queue with broad shoulders, a T-shirt stretched over a muscled back that’s hard not to appreciate, a group of lads at the park drinking in the sun with their shirts off trying to catch a tan, a guy running past in lycra…everyone looks a bit.

 There’s always that little niggle though, that it’s creepy for him to be looking like that. It’s alright if a bloke looks at a girl, it’s flattering innit. Another bloke isn’t going to be flattered though.

 It feels a bit weird, looking at straight guys who aren’t ever going to be looking back.

 Then there’s the other kind of looking.

 There were these two guys that used to get the same bus as him back when he was in college.

 Every Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday he’d get the 8am bus into town and they would always be on it, always sitting together upstairs same as he did.

 He never seen them kiss or touch or anything like that, but he was pretty sure they were gay. There was absolutely nothing about them that he could point to as proof, but little silent alarms were always ringing in his brain when he was on the bus with them. It was just…odd really. You didn’t really see that round their way.

 Staring at straight guys is a bit weird probably but it’s not as weird as staring at two guys just because you think they might be gay. It wasn’t even any of his business, he was just…super aware of them whenever they were on the bus.

 It was all kind of silly really. He hasn’t taken the bus since college, hasn’t even thought about that in years.

 He’s been thinking recently though, about how he shouldn’t really feel guilty about noticing a fit lad. It’s fine. He’s decided that he should work on being okay with it when he notices someone, because it isn’t actually something to feel weird about.

 So he lets himself look sometimes.

 ==

 The thing with Harry is that he’s affectionate. Louis doesn’t know that many guys that are as comfortable in themselves as Harry is, he’s always leaning on people or wrapping his arms around them. After a couple drinks he’s downright cuddly but he’s never embarrassed about it after, Louis really likes that about him, never feels weird bringing him in for a cuddle.

 The other thing is that he doesn’t have boundaries with Louis and Louis can’t seem to help himself around Harry.

 It’s little stupid things like one time they’re playing FIFA. Louis is sitting on the floor beside the coffee table while Harry is slouched down on the couch.

 Harry is lazing about in joggers and this old tank-top with a ridiculous rip in one of the armpits. He can’t believe Harry is wearing it out in public, even if it’s just lying about Louis' flat.

 A couple of games in Louis isn’t even paying attention to the screen because he’s had a few and he keeps seeing the stupid rip in the corner of his eye, catching glimpses of pale skin and soft dark hair at Harry’s pits.

 He must be playing like shit because Harry glances over at him and of course he catches him _looking_. He doesn’t say anything about Louis staring, just turns back to the game and absolutely trounces Louis’ team.

 And then he keeps wearing the stupid top with the rip in it when he’s round at Louis’.

 It’s other things too, like when Harry comes over and makes dinner for both of them in Louis kitchen.

 He lets Louis move him around with a hand on his hip so he can reach into the cupboard for plates or get to the cutlery drawer. Leans back to make room when Louis wiggles in between him and the cooker to taste-test. Boxes him in from behind while Louis nicks a bit of spicy chicken out the pan and tells him off but feeds him another bit on a fork anyways.

 It doesn’t mean anything but it’s still flirty.

 Friend flirting he calls it in his head. That kind of play flirting you do with platonic friends, except he probably enjoys it more than he should.

 He enjoys everything about Harry more than he should and Harry is always indulging him.

 ==

 He wakes up with a bit of a hangover weighing him down and Harry stretched out next to him on the bed.

 The sheets have been kicked down to the bottom and Harry is in the jeans he was wearing yesterday but drunk-Louis must have tried to get ready for bed last night, his clothes and underwear are a heap on the floor where he stripped them off, pyjamas nowhere to be seen.

 Harry groans and stretches his limbs out then rolls over on his side to face Louis. He’s all messy hair escaping his hair tie and soft half-awake sounds as he presses his forehead against Louis bicep.

 “M’so glad we have the have the day off today” he mumbles, burrowing closer into Louis side and hooking their ankles together. “I’m too old to be out drinking on a Friday now. I feel like shit.”

 He makes a sympathetic sound and shuts his eyes, reaches out blindly to pat the closest bit of Harry he can find.

 “You’ll survive. Nothing a bacon butty won’t fix.”

 They fall quiet again, half snoozing.

 He wants to roll over and meet Harry in the middle, slide their legs together until there’s no space left between them because it would feel nice. Maybe push his fingers into Harry’s hair. It’s so thick and soft he always wants to play with it. It’s too short to properly tie up but Harry does it anyways and it drives Louis mad.

 Even like this with Harry pressed all up against his side, morning wood shameless against Louis’ thigh, he’s hesitant to touch back.

 He’s not sure what holds him back. They don’t…they never talk about it. Harry just assumes Louis knows where the boundaries are between them.

 Louis has no freaking idea, he doesn’t have any boundaries when it comes to Harry.

 ==

 The thing is, Louis loves having Harry around all the time. It’s not like with his family or his mates where they start doing each others head in when they spend too much time together. Him and Harry just coexist easily.

 It’s nice to have someone to eat dinner with most nights and then laze about on the sofa watching love island or the footie.

 Harry’s just so easy to be around, he never feels like he has to entertain him.

 Sometimes Louis works the early shift, up at five in the morning and the goes straight from work to get Kaitlin for the afternoon and doesn’t have a chance to sit down until Sam picks her up at seven. He’s rubbish on days like that, too tired to even make dinner once Sam and Kaitlin are gone.

 The first time Harry’s around on one of those days he puts the tea on for both of them and sets an alarm and then they take a nap on top of the covers until the food is ready.

 If Louis was by himself he’d probably have fallen asleep on the sofa without brushing his teeth and woke up feeling terrible.

 He doesn’t know how Harry makes it look so easy.

 ==

 Sam’s dad goes in for an operation and Louis had agreed to take Kaitlin for a couple of days so she could go stay with her mum and dad to help around the house while her dad rests and gets over the op.

 Of course Kaitlin gets a cold just before she comes to stay with him so she’s fussy and miserable for days and Louis feels terrible because there’s nothing he can do to make her feel better.

 He doesn’t want to bother Sam at home but he ends up calling her anyways. She tells him to stop stressing and take Kaitlin’s temperature and not to worry so much. She also gives him the number for the doctors that Kaitlin is registered at just in case.

 He doesn’t need to call the doctors but it’s a long week. She’s tired and lethargic during the day, and screaming bloody murder when he tries to get her to eat.

 The nights are even worse because she’s too congested and hot to sleep and doesn’t want to be left alone.

 By the time Saturday rolls around Louis is a zombie and thinks he might be coming down with something himself, but Kaitlin finally has some colour in her cheeks and she’s eating again. She’s still tired and clingy though and sobs when she wakes up from her nap alone.

 He knows it’s probably because he’s exhausted but he can’t cope with her sounding so distraught, his chest physically hurts at the sound.

 She was never really alone, he was just in the next room and the door was open, but he feels like he left her alone and now she’s upset and it’s his fault.

 In her bedroom he picks her up and presses his cheek into her hair, swaying her gently from side to side and she sobs harder into his chest. “Shh darling, I’ve got you. Daddy’s got you.” His voice is thick and he feels a couple of tears of his own spill over as he sways them gently like they’re dancing.

 He’s just really tired okay and he hates making her cry.

 When he turns Harry is watching them from the door, a dishtowel in one hand.

 Louis turns away from him and dries his cheek on his shoulder sheepishly, leaning down and kissing her silky hair in a silent apology.

 Harry crosses the room to them and puts a hand over Louis’ where he’s rubbing Kaitlin’s back.

 “I’ve got lunch on, why don’t you guys go hang out on the couch for a bit.”

 Louis hums and tucks his face down, pressing another kiss to her head. “Thanks Haz.”

 Harry’s arms come up to wrap around both of them. “You’re welcome” he mumbles back, scruff brushing his cheek.

 ==

 Louis comes home from a Saturday morning kick-about to Harry snoozing in his bed. He’d crashed the night before because they’d had a couple of beers after dinner and he couldn’t drive. It’s getting to be a habit.

 Except Louis actually got up this morning and went to have a quick kick-about in the park with the lads like they’d organised. Harry had stayed to sleep off his hangover but he really should have come with, gotten some fresh air and all that.

 Louis walked the two miles to the park then played football for an hour and jogged back home. It’s not even lunchtime yet. He loves weekends like this, he feels like the Louis of two years ago.

 He drops himself down on the bed making the mattress bounce and Harry groan.

 “Stop being so awake.”

 “Stop being such a lazy bitch. Come on get up and get a shower and you’ll feel better.”

 “Ugh fine. I was just waiting until you got back so we could go out for lunch anyways.”

 “Oh were you now?”

 Harry rolls over and pushing the covers out the way and sits up.

 Louis is sitting with one leg curled and the other braced on the floor. He’s keyed up from his run and seeing Harry in his bed all sleep-messy isn’t helping him cool down. He looks good, all bird’s nest hair and frowny faced and sleep warm. It makes Louis want to crawl in beside him. Makes him want to do something.

 “It’s so warm outside, I’m sweating so much.” He pulls at the neck of his shirt and wafts it a bit trying to cool down. “I’m gonna get a quick shower and then we can go get lunch okay?”

 Get in the shower and work out some of this adrenaline, his dick perks up at the thought of some alone time.

 “Kay, sounds good.” Harry says thickly.

 He isn’t looking at Louis face, he’s looking down at Louis’ shorts where he’s starting to tent out the front of his kit.

 He doesn’t know why Harry catching him with a stiffy does it for him but there’s a throb of heat and his dick gets harder.

 He instinctively goes to pull his leg up and then thinks fuck it and lets his knee fall back to the side giving Harry a view of the material stretched tight over his dick.

 Harry swallows, “Shit Lou.” His voice is deep and lazy and he’s looking, gaze falling down into Louis’ lap, eyelashes brushing his cheeks as he blinks slowly.

 Louis' voice pretty much dies in his throat.

 Harry is just staring at his lap. What does he think, that Louis is gonna take it out and start tossing one off with Harry in his bed?

 Louis doesn’t move, barely breathes because fuck the idea of wanking while Harry watches, or them both wanking in the same bed is so hot. Not that he’s going to get himself off in front of a mate because he isn’t shameless.

 Harry however apparently has no shame because he reaches down to palm himself over his pyjama bottoms right there in front of Louis.

 He watches as Harry squeezes himself, hand cupping the line of his dick that’s thickening under the leg of his pyjamas. Louis’ cock twitches visibly in his shorts, his thighs tensing.

 Harry is looking, sees Louis’ cock nudge up against the thin material and pushes up into his own hand minutely in response. He’s breathing loudly through his nose, chest rising and falling with each breath.

 Louis doesn’t know if Harry’s just turned on because he just woke up and he’s a guy, but unless he’s reading things wrong there’s a chance he’s also into the whole mutual wank fantasy thing. If he sits here any longer he’s probably going to find out. He’s so hot for it his dick is throbbing.

 When Harry’s hand goes to slide into his pyjamas Louis does the smart thing and stands up.

 “I’m…yeah, shower.”

 He leaves Harry to sort himself out.

 When he gets into the bathroom he splashes cold water on his face. He feels so fucking wound up, like he could come with just the head of his dick rubbing against the material of his shorts.

 He presses his hips against the sink, thrusts a bit, cock heavy and throbbing.

 God the idea of wanking off in front of Harry has him so wound up, Harry would have seen it, would have seen him jizz right there in his shorts, would have heard the noise he makes when he’s coming.

 He’s right on the edge, doesn’t even have to do much just gets his hand under his waistband and wraps his fist around himself. He presses his cockhead tight against the front of his shorts and his balls draw up so hard it aches.

 He rubs the tip of his cock a couple of times against the material, hand squeezing tight, and that’s it, that’s all he needs, his whole body clenches.

 He keeps his head down and watches himself shoot, thighs tensing and shaking as his come spills through the material in thick wet pulses.

 By the time he stops coming he’s panting.

 He kicks off his kit and gets into the shower and scrubs himself clean. Definitely doesn’t think about Harry wanking off on the other side of the door in his bed.

 ==

 According to his mum Kaitlin going to start talking in the next six months. She talks now, all the time, tells long drawn out stories to anyone who's near her, but it's all just baby babble. She's turning two at the end of summer though and before they know it she's going to figure out real words.

 “It happened so fast with you and your sisters. First you learn to say a couple of words then the next minute you’re having whole little conversations.”

 “I can’t even imagine her talking.” He admits, sitting in his mum’s living room thinking about the day he found out about Kaitlin and came back to tell him mum.

 His nana looks up from her word puzzle at him.

 “She’s going to have a right little personality that one.”

 He smiles and rubs a hand over his face. “God she’s gonna be a little person soon, I can’t even keep up with how big she’s getting.”

 His mum and nana laugh at him like they always do when he says something like that. Easy for them, they’re used to how fast babies grow up. Louis doesn’t even get to see her every day and she’s growing up so fast.

 She’s already got a personality, she might not be talking but she’s so expressive. She loves animals especially dogs and cats and she’ll scream and trying to launch herself out the buggy if she sees one on the street. She hates the dark and the sound of the doorbell in his flat (the ones at his mum’s house and Sam’s house are fine though).

 Louis can’t wait until she starts talking, even if he can’t quite imagine her chatting away. At the same time though he’s dreading it because he’s quietly terrified that she's going to start calling Sam’s boyfriend Stuart dad and not him.

 Sam hasn’t moved in with him yet but it’s obvious how serious they are. Kaitlin probably sees him at Sam’s most days, more than she sees Louis sometimes. She’s too young to really understand, it’s got to be confusing for her.

 A nudge to his side pulls him out of his thoughts.

 “So what did you get up to this weekend?” his mum asks.

 “Not much, went for a run on Sunday round the fields near my way.” And then he met up with Harry and they ended up going to Subway so the run was probably pointless.

 He doesn’t say that part though, he feels a bit weird talking about Harry right now. Things between them are getting to be kind of a lot for Louis and he doesn’t want his mum to pick up on the weirdness he feels about everything. Mums are the worst at figuring out the one embarrassing thing you don’t want to talk to them about and then bringing it up.

 “So when are you having this family dinner you’ve been talking about then?” He changes the topic and raises his eyebrows at her.

 “I’ve been thinking about making it into a barbecue.”

 “A barbecue? Are you serious? In England in May? That's brave.”

 “We’re supposed to get some fine weather the next couple weeks.” His nana says without looking up, half an ear in their conversation.

 “Well,” his mum purses her lips and sits back. “I need to see when everyone is going to have the day off anyways before I can plan anything. What do you think?”

 “You should do one of them facebook events and then you can invite everyone.”

 “That’s a good idea, you’re coming obviously, right?”

 “Yeah course, just tell me what day and I’ll make sure I’m off work.”

 ==

 Louis kisses Harry when they’re on the sofa eating dinner and watching 8 of out 10 Cats does Countdown.

 There’s only one slice of pizza left on the couch between them and it looks like no one is fussed for it Louis so takes the box and both their plates and stacks them on the coffee table out of the way.

 When he leans back Harry curls into him, sides pressed together. Louis puts an arm over his shoulders and lets him cuddle in.

 It’s not romantic or anything, honestly they’re sitting on the sofa watching Dave, but Louis is full and warm and curled up with his favourite person. It’s so rare that he feels _this_ happy and content these days.

 Harry is soft and easy under his arm as Louis runs his knuckles over the curve of his bicep.

 He isn’t really thinking, he feels Harry lean his head on his shoulder and turns into him automatically, his mouth brushing across Harry’s temple.

 When he pulls his mouth away Harry sighs and presses in a bit more. They watch the TV quietly, Louis running his knuckles lightly up and down the outside of Harry’s arm.

 It quietly bubbles up in him, how fucking grateful he is that Harry and him met.

 Silently Harry links their fingers together and rests their joint hands on his jeans.

 Louis doesn’t see any reason not to really.

 His mouth brushes against Harry’s cheekbone, travelling over to catch at the corner of his eye. Harry turns into him and catches his mouth, hand comes up to hold the back of his head and they breathe together for a few seconds before slipping back into slow open kisses, Harry’s hand holding his.

 The kisses eventually slow into mouths catching and releasing in shallow puffs of breath until Harry pulls back and spends time dragging his lips over his stubble, the hinge of his jaw and the side of his neck before coming back and catching his mouth again in more soft lazy kisses.

 ==

 They don’t see each other again until Thursday at five aside. Louis’s a bit late leaving work and when he gets there everyone is on the pitch warmed up and ready to play.

 Ryan gives him a bit of shit from midfield for being late so he flips him off with a smile and scores against his side with his first shot of the game.

 It’s a good start to the night and he’s feeling confident so of course when he goes in for a tackle on Raj he absolutely wipes out on the grass, taking Raj with him and landing hard.

 They call a time out for Louis and Raj to pull themselves together and check there’s nothing worse than a bruise.

 A water bottle appears at Louis’ elbow and he looks up to see Harry leaning over him. He takes the bottle thankfully, Harry raises an eyebrow at his leg stretched out on the grass.

 “Should we get a first aider?”

 “Hah hah,” he rolls his eyes, “it’s fine, just needs stretched out.” He learns back and squirts water into his mouth, wafting the bottom of his shirt trying to cool down. Harry kicks at his knee. “Well if you’re fine come on and get up, you’ve got a game to lose.”

 “Oh my god, fighting words Styles. From the side that hasn’t scored once yet.” He grabs Harry’s arm and pulls himself up off the grass. “Maybe if you spent a little less time on your hair and more time on your strategy you’d win for once lad.”

 Harry laughs as they jog back onto the field.

 “That’s my secret, all my power is in my hair” he says and pretends he’s flicking long hair off his shoulder.

 “HARRY!” Raj smacks him on the arm as he passes. “Stop giving our secrets away to the competition, they’re already one up.” He runs a hand protectively over his own gelled back quiff.

 Harry gives him a wide eyed faux-guilty look “Sorry I’ll cut the hair jokes.”

 Raj levels him with a look. “That better not have been a pun.”

 Louis shakes his head as Harry cackles at his own joke, jogging on the spot to warm back up. In the back of his mind he’d been half afraid that Harry would be weird with him today because of the whole snogging on the couch thing, but they’re absolutely fine. He rotates his shoulders, they feel looser than before.

 Louis’ team wins the game obviously.

 ==

 It keeps getting better. The first couple of times Louis wasn’t prepared for it, it felt like some heat of the moment thing that they were never going to bring up. But now he can feel where something has changed between them.

 Even when they are out at footie or with the lads it’s still there in the way Harry puts an arm around his shoulders or automatically comes back to Louis’ flat instead of going back to his own. Sometimes it’s the same as it used to be, but more often than not it’s a bit more.

 It’s starting to feel normal, like something he doesn’t have to overthink.

 The next weekend one of Louis sisters comes over and Harry makes fajitas in Louis’ tiny kitchen.

 They eat at the seldom-used dining table dripping salsa and guac everywhere, laughing and getting most of the way through two jugs of homemade sangria.

 His sister leaves about eleven and they fall into bed a little tipsy. Harry brings through the boozy fruit from the sangria jug, and they finish it off in bed licking the juice off their hands.

 When they’re all bundled into bed under the covers with the lights off he presses a few happy kisses into Harry’s shoulder.

 “Thank you, tonight was really fun.”

 “You’re welcome, thanks for helping with dinner. I’m glad your sister came, she’s a riot.”

 “Yeah it was a good night.”

 “We should do it again.”

 “Mm, yeah for sure.”

 Louis goes to sleep with Harry warm and close.

 ==

 In the morning everything is soft and warm and Louis watches Harry stretch out in the bed next to him, joints popping.

 There’s sunlight streaming through the window where they never shut the blinds last night and the day outside looks beautiful.

 Harry’s pushed the covers off where he’s been too hot in the night. He does that a lot it turns out.

 “’Morning” Harry croaks out and slides his hand down his briefs to scratch his balls and adjust his semi. He turns his head to watch Louis lying on his side. “What do you feel like doing today?”

 “Dunno, kind of fancy a lie in to be honest.”

 “Yeah?” Harry put his arm behind his head and leans back.

 “Yeah. You gonna take care of that?” He nods at where Harry’s still got his hand on his dick. Harry lets on a groan and gets a hand around himself properly, starts fisting the length inside his underwear.

 Louis is lying along his side, close enough that Harry’s elbow bumps against him when his arms moves.

 It’s slow and lazy and the bed is warm where the sun is spilling through the window onto the mattress. Harry slides his briefs off and lays naked on Louis’ bed, arm behind his head on the pillow, legs spread a little as he pumps his length.

 Louis tucks himself in close and rubs their bare legs together, the hairs catching. He strokes a hand over Harry’s abs feeling them clench as he touches himself. He rubs his hand over Harry’s stomach to his hip and down to the soft insides of his thigh. When he scratches his nails lightly over the pale skin there he hears Harry hissing out a breath, watches his hips push up into his own hand.

 “Lou, fuck…”

 It’s good, Harry keeps wanking without any real rhythm and Louis explores his body.

 Harry’s sweating a little as he works himself, hair getting damp at his temples and his cock is thick and red, heavy looking and curving up towards his stomach. Louis wants him to come, wants to see him coming on himself.

 He rolls back towards the bedside table and grabs lube from the drawer. When he comes back he flips the lid open and Harry stops, holds his dick steady so Louis can squeeze some straight down onto him. “ _Shit_ ” Harry’s hand smears the lube up and down his dick and he starts stripping his length wetly.

 Louis brings his hand down and cups Harry’s balls, fingers pressing against the skin behind them.

 Harry bucks up into his hand with a bitten off sound and tightens his grip and Louis sees his cock jerk as he starts to come, white spurts shooting onto his chest and stomach. Harry pumps the last of it out of himself and then drops back to the mattress, chest heaving.

 Louis own cock is rock hard between his legs. He gets up on his knees beside Harry and pulls his boxers down enough to get a hand around himself. Doesn’t even go for the lube just makes his grip firm and rubs his thumb over the sensitive head until he’s shaking.

 Harry’s hand comes down on his thigh and he squeezes the muscle there, gripping him while he strokes himself off fast.

 It doesn’t take long and Harry squeezes his leg again when he comes, choking on a moan and getting his hand sticky with come, caught up in his underwear.

 He gets up on shaky legs to find some tissues to clean himself off then throws the rest of them at Harry so he can do the same. Once he swaps his gross boxers for clean ones he flops back down into the bed. No one bothers to pull the covers up.

 “Wanna have a snooze and then go for a run?”

 “Sounds ace.” Louis feels himself melting into the mattress, post-orgasm sleepiness taking hold

 “Maybe play some tennis if it’s not roasting out.” Harry is still talking, toes bumping into his ankle.

 “Mm hm, kay…sleep now.” The last thing he hears is Harry laughing before he drops off.

 ==

 They end up getting up and going to the park where they do sprints up and down the length of the empty tennis course until Louis thinks he might actually collapse.

 When they stop to rest Harry pulls lucozade and bananas out of his rucksack and they lie starfished on the grass.

 After a while Louis pulls Harry back up and they play a couple quick games of tennis before calling it quits.

 On the way home Louis mum texts to remind him about the barbecue so they make a pit stop for a quick shower and change and then head over to hers.

 Harry doesn’t make any noise about going home, and when they both show up for dinner Louis’ mum gives them both a hug and a plate loaded with food like she was expecting Harry as well.

 It’s too cold for his nana to sit outside so after he eats he nips inside to see her and takes Harry with him.

 Shouting a hello into the house as they come through the back door Louis closes it behind them and directs Harry to leave his trainers on the mat.

 When they pass through the kitchen into front room his nana is sitting on her armchair with his aunt and one of his sisters on the sofa and he has to introduce Harry to everyone.

 Louis has a quick chat with his nana while Harry smiles and looks slightly awkward surrounded by Louis’ family. He takes pity on him after ten minutes and they escape to the kitchen to make tea for everyone.

 Before they’re finished Louis’ mum calls for someone to help her clear the plates and things from the garden and Harry goes out to help her leaving Louis to bring everyone’s tea into the living room by himself.

 “Well…he seems like a very sweet boy.” he hears as he comes through the door and chokes.

 ‘A very sweet boy’ is his nana’s code for when she thinks someone is gay. _He's you know…a very sweet boy, quite shy around the ladies_.

 It's not the worst thing she could say but it still makes him cringe. He hurries to bring the tray in and starts handing cups out, interrupting the conversation, pretty sure his cheeks are bright red but ignoring it.

 His stomach twists again thinking about how she said it. It’s not her fault really, she’s old and she comes from a different time, but he’s honestly rather die than have to tell his nana about him and Harry.

 He knows his family maybe kind of know or suspect, but he doesn’t know exactly what they think.

 They’re not putting a name to whatever their relationship is, him and Harry, and as long as they don’t have to discuss it they don’t need to name it. So he’s happy to continue not discussing this with his family or anyone else.

 Harry doesn’t have to worry about this kind of awkward shit, he’s lucky that he can do what he wants because he parents are across the county and no ones going to ask him any embarrassing questions or make assumptions.

 ==

 Louis isn’t shy about sex. He’s confident with girls he likes, especially after he’s had a couple of drinks.

 He's had a lot more sex than he has relationships.

 He’s never thought about it before but now he’s realising that he’s never been with someone he knows this well before, he didn’t expect it to feel so different but it does.

 Harry isn’t some drunken fumbling at a party. He’s not an alcohol-soaked blur from a night out on the town.

 He comes over most nights and watches the telly with Louis. He hangs out on the floor and reads picture books about animals when Louis has Kaitlin. When neither of them feel like going to the pub on a Saturday he brings takeout over and Louis gets some beers in and they put music on and just talk for hours. Most of the time he crashes in Louis flat and they cook a fry up on the Sunday morning.

 They’re best mates.

 And now they get off together. They haven’t talked about it. Louis doesn’t want to. It feels too fragile and good, talking about it is just going to ruin it and Louis doesn’t want to lose it just yet. He knows he’s not gonna meet someone else he gets on with like this.

 ==

 It’s like Harry has been given some kind of permission to touch him all the time now.

 Louis likes that there’s this quiet comfortable intimacy between them. When Harry has stayed over and they’re both getting ready for work in the morning sometimes they’ll have a bit of a kiss at the door.

 On the couch watching TV Harry’s hand will be on his leg, palm warm on the inside of this thigh.

 He hasn’t had sex in two years and he can’t get enough of Harry touching him all the time or sleeping pressed against him in bed at night. They spend so much time with their hands on each other it’s like they’re teenagers.

 ==

 It’s the middle of the day, the one o’clock news is on in the background and Louis is on Harry’s lap.

 Harry shifts back against the couch, his hands on Louis’ arse pulling them closer together. It shouldn’t be sexy, getting off at lunchtime with Nick Robinson prattling on in the background, but Louis loves it. Loves that messing about on the couch during the day gets them so hot for each other.

 Harry pushes up against him and Louis presses back down, his hand coming up to grab the back of Harry's neck, knees pressed into the cushions.

 “Oh shit Haz,” he moans into Harry’s mouth, shaking a little with how good it feels.

 His hips grind down in tight slow circles chasing the friction, one hand wrapped around the back of Harry’s neck, the other digging into his shoulder. There’s a pool of aching heat between them, his dick is throbbing as he rocks down.

 Harry's hands on his arse are holding him in a vice grip as he rubs himself up against Louis, mouth open in pleasure.

 Louis presses his mouth to the square of his jaw, panting against the skin more than kissing, “god…this feels so good”.

 Harry groans out a shaky yeah and starts pulling him down against his hips faster, thrusting up against the stiff line of Louis dick.

 Louis thighs are spread wide either side of Harry and the position is starting to ache but he can't stop now. The tight coil of his orgasm has started.

 Using the hand on Harry’s shoulder for balance, head bowed, he rubs himself tighter against Harry, forward into the soft give of his belly, speeding up as Harry’s hands curl around the back of his thighs urging him on. _Oh_

 Harry’s head falls back against the sofa, he’s grunting as Louis finds the angle he needs and moans wordless fricatives into his neck. He doesn’t even know if this is good for Harry. He can’t stop, he’s so close.

 He grips Harry’s shoulder painfully, holding his breath and grinding against him in a frenzy trying to find the release he can feel in his balls. He’s so close. He’s so close.

 He feels Harry’s hand pressing on the small of his back, his breath against his cheek when he says, voice tight, “yeah, Lou...”

 “Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.” His body seizes up when he comes, hips pressing down against Harry’s mindlessly as he shoots off, his body shaking with each hot pulse. Finally the rushing in his ears fades as he pants into Harry’s sweaty neck, hips twitching with aftershocks.

 ==

 He’s never really dated anyone, a couple of girls he seen for a couple of months maybe but they were more like extended hookups. Spending the week sending flirty messaging and then meeting up on the weekend to go out drinking until they ended up in bed together. Rinse and repeat.

 He’s never usually sober when he has sex. Well except from the couple of times he’s hooked up with someone and they’ve went again in the morning. This isn’t anywhere near the same as that though.

 Having sober sex feels weirdly grown up.

 They aren’t rushing to get naked and do it like teenagers. They keep the lights on and take their time a lot. Harry lets him touch wherever he wants, not embarrassed about any part of his body. Louis is a little embarrassed, not about touching Harry, but that he can see how much Louis enjoys this.

 It’s different having sex with someone who knows you.

 He’s hardly new at this, but it’s like he’s figuring out what he likes all over again. Even just getting Harry hard and pulling him off is good.

 He can’t believe how good sex is between them. Waking up early and fucking Harry for ages until they’re slick with sweat, working into him in an endless grind, his body throbbing with pleasure and heat. Mouthing at the back of his neck, pushing Harry’s leg up a little so he can fuck in deeper. It’s so easy between them, he knows Harry's body so well.

 ==

 Before Sam & Kaitlin weekends were spent out with the lads up town on the pull. He’s old and boring now. By the time he finishes work for the week he’s so tired he’d rather spend his weekend off at home with Harry.

 It doesn’t stop being any less good, he doesn't understand how it can be so good between them, he can't stand himself most days but it feels so easy with Harry.

 ==

 Louis has Kaitlin for a few days while Sam is away on a hen do. He gives her a lift to the train station so she can give her baby a big kiss and a hug before getting on the train up to Edinburgh.

 He’s taken the Thursday and Friday off work so him and Kaitin get to spend a couple of days together uninterrupted.

 He gets up with her in the morning and they have breakfast and play in the living room for a while. They sit on the play mat on the floor, Kaitlin scooting herself from in between his outstretched legs to the toy box and back again.

 They do the fuzzy animal puzzle for a while, making the noises for each of the animals except the giraffe because they don’t know what noise she makes. When the animal puzzle gets boring Kaitlin pulls out the ice cream set, still in it’s box.

 At Christmas one of the toys she’d gotten was a play ice-cream set from one of Louis' sisters. She’d never batted an eye at it before and it ended up in the corner of his living room next to her box of teddies and puzzles.

 When he opens the box and empties it out onto the carpet she immediately grabs a plastic cone base and starts trying to fight a brightly coloured plastic ice cream top onto it. There’s an 'ice cream scoop' that she isn’t interested in, preferring to push the pieces together by hand.

 Louis spreads out the cards displaying the different flavour combinations but Kaitlin cries when he tries to put more than one colour on a cone so they stick to making single scoop ice creams. He thanks her every time she hands him a completed ice cream and then breaks it apart so she can use the parts again.

 While Kaitlin is hard at work he takes a video and sends it to his sister with the ice cream, present and thumbs up emoji.

 He gets back a _thats my girl!_ with a winky face and a princess.

 After lunch and a nap they go to the cinema for the afternoon family screening.

 He pays £7.50 for them to watch a silly PG comedy about a naughty pug that Kaitlin, sitting on his lap, watches about 20 minutes of with big wide eyes before cuddling into him and falling asleep with her thumb in her mouth.

 After getting home and having their tea it’s time for Kaitlin to have a bath. She’s a bit fussy about her bath and by the time she’s washed and out and dry and in pyjamas it’s past bedtime but after her cinema nap she’s not very interested in sleeping.

 Not ten minutes after he tucks her in he hears her crying and shouting and has to go get her again.

 “Come on darling, let’s keep daddy company yeah?” He carries her back through to his room and they curl up on the bed.

 Louis tells her a very hodgepodge version of Goldilocks, using her teddy bear to act out the different parts. He can’t remember what comes between Goldilocks trying the porridge and the beds so he improvises and has teddy-bear Goldilocks try Papa-bear, Mummy-bear and Baby-bear’s sunglasses on until he finds the perfect pair, grabbing an actual pair off his nightstand and putting them on teddy to Kaitlin’s uproarious delight.

 By the time she’s fallen asleep he’s knackered.

 He drops her back off in her bed and then collapses into his own, asleep before he can even set an alarm.

 Not having an alarm doesn’t matter it turns out because Kaitlin wakes him up in the morning screaming when she realises she’s awake and alone next door.

 They have an unhurried breakfast and then he helps her make plastic ice creams again for all of her teddies for a while.

 By mid-morning he’s convinced her to tidy up her toys and pile them back into the corner where they live.

 Forty minutes later they are dressed and out the door. Louis can’t remember if anyone has taken her to the city farm before but she loves it anyways.

 She’s too timid to get close to any of the animals even with Louis holding her so they just watch the volunteers feed them and listen to them explain how the farm runs.

 They take a walk through the vegetable garden to the herb garden where they can smell tons of different plants and end up at the cafe for a sit down before heading home again.

 Louis makes sure they have an early bedtime on Friday because on Saturday it’s up super early to go and get Louis mum and drive over to Blackpool for a day out at the seaside.

 They take endless pictures of Kaitlin on the prom, eating an ice cream, wearing most of the ice cream, riding a donkey, on the carousel, making a sandcastle. His mum is the one that takes most of them so he can be in the shot for a change.

 The three of them have fish and chips on the front for dinner before they have to get back in the car. Louis watches Kaitlin dragging a chip through tomato sauce and hopes she's having a good time. She’s still too young to really remember the things they do together but she might remember the seaside, her first time riding a donkey. He has pictures to show her later if not.

 By the time they make it back home it’s dark and everyone is shattered. Kaitlin having fallen asleep in her car seat pretty much the minute Louis started driving.

 Sam’s train back on Sunday gets in before noon and Louis meets her at the train station wearing trackies and a hat because he skipped showering to get in ten minutes extra sleep, still exhausted from yesterday.

 Kaitlin is ecstatic to see her mum again and almost jumps out of Louis' arms to reach her.

 “Hiya baby!” She hefts her up out of Louis’ arms, “god you’re getting big aren’t you.”

 She gives Louis a hug with the arm that isn’t holding Kaitlin on her hip and a kiss on the cheek. “You look tired, has she been running you ragged?”

 “No, we had a great time. Took her and mum over to Blackpool yesterday, it was good but it was just a long day.”

 “Been on all the roller coasters at the pleasure beach have you?” Sam asks Kaitlin and bounces her a little.

 “Just the baby one on the promenade this time. Maybe next time she can get on the Big Dipper.”

 By the time he’s dropped Sam and Kaitlin off back home he’s too tired to do anything other than go back to his flat and crawl straight back into bed.

 ==

 An hour or so later there’s a rap on the front door and then the sound of it opening. Louis’ body feels so heavy he can barely move his head. He lays where he is hoping he won’t have to move and whoever it is will go away. Harry calls his name but it’s distant and he must drift off again because the next time he’s conscious he can smell food cooking. He shuts his eyes again.

 He probably gets another half hour before he wakes up again to the sound of his name. Harry leaning against the door frame, watching him with a kind of quietness.

 “Lou, you getting up?”

 He blinks his eyes, lying on his back staring up at the ceiling wishing Harry would go away.

 The blinds are half closed so its dim. If he was by himself he could just go back to sleep, stay in bed all day, he wishes Harry would just go away without him having to ask. He doesn’t want Harry to think he’s pushing him away, he just needs to be left alone for a bit.

 “Lou… come eat something why don’t you?”

 “In a minute.” He rolls on his side away from the door.

 Harry doesn’t say anything for a bit, then comes over and slides himself into the bed without taking his jeans off.

 They lie there in silence and Louis wonders how annoyed Harry’d be if he went back to sleep.

 It’s harder to go back to sleep with someone else in the room though, and it’s pretty ridiculous to sleep the whole day away. He’s so tired though, getting up doesn’t seem worth it.

 “Sorry,” he has to cough and clear his throat, “I’m just shattered, not really in the mood for company.” It’s not much of an excuse, he just really can’t be arsed today. He gets like this sometimes.

 “It’s okay, you should eat something though. Why don’t you come have lunch and see if it helps?”

 Instead of getting up he turns over towards Harry and puts his head on his chest. Harry’s hand comes up and starts to make big slow circles on his back, warming him through his T-shirt. It feels nice and after a while Harry pulls him into a proper hug, heads tucked into necks and arms tight.

 Eventually Harry gets him up and makes him lunch. They go to the gym for an hour in the afternoon and then Harry takes them to see a film.

 He still feels tired and washed out but it’s better being around Harry, better than staying in bed by himself all day.

 ==

 It starts happening more often, the exhaustion creeping up on him and seeping all of his energy out.

 Everything has been going so well lately, his job is steady, Sam is doing well, Kaitlin is happy and him and Harry are getting on great.

 There’s no reason for him to suddenly feel so rubbish all the time.

 He doesn’t even know how to describe it when Harry asks. It’s just this heaviness, this tiredness that turns everything grey and makes his head foggy and achy.

 ==

 Fingers find his under the covers and Harry uses their linked hands to pull Louis into him, gathering him into a cuddle.

 It’s still early enough that it’s dark in the bedroom and Louis hugs him back sleepily.

 Hands stroking down his back, Harry pushes his leg in between Louis’ and starts mouthing at his neck, dropping kisses across his shoulder.

 When Harry leans up to find his mouth Louis opens up to him to meet the kiss, open and wet. Harry moans into the kiss and Louis feels numb. His stomach turns and he breaks the kiss.

 “Harry don't” he pushes away, ducking his face down and wiping at his mouth. He doesn't, doesn't want to do this right now. God he’s such a headcase sometimes.

 When he chances a glace back at Harry he’s laying next to him quietly and Louis can’t read his expression in the half light.

 “You okay? Did I do something?”

 Louis shrugs a bit, not making eye contact. “No.” He doesn’t know what question he’s answering, he chews at his lip.

 “Okay, do you want me to stay? …or would you feel better if I went home and left you alone for a bit?”

 “I’m just…not in the mood.” He says lamely, looking at the bed sheet. “Sorry” He winces. “I still want you to stay. It’s not- …it’s just been a long week you know?”

 “You don’t have to explain yourself. It’s fine honestly.”

 “It’s not you, I’m sorry for being a prat.”

 “It’s fine, I told you.”

 “I know I just, between work and Kaitlin I just… I feel stretched thin or something. Like I have no energy left for me at the end of the night. And I’m not…I’m not complaining about anything. I don’t have any reason to complain really do I?”

 Harry is quiet, watching him with a worried look. 

 "Is that how you feel?" 

 Is it? He doesn't know. He doesn’t know how to explain it so Harry understands. He hasn’t been here through everything, he doesn’t know that Louis wasn’t like this before.

 “Fuck, I mean Kaitlin is brilliant, she’s the best….but…don’t get me wrong I _love_ her, but it’s just tiring sometimes.”

 It guts him to admit that is the thing. That his little baby girl isn’t the best thing to ever happen. Because she is but he’s so fucking tired of feeling like this. He thought he’d grown out of this kind of thing.

 He says as much and Harry takes his hand. “I don’t think it’s something you grow out of Lou. I knew you felt low sometimes, I didn’t know it was getting to you this much.”

 It doesn’t. Not usually.

 Everything has been going so good lately, that what really gets him.

 When Kaitlin was first born and he moved out by himself that was the worst time, everything was hard and he was barely sleeping but at least he knew why. Things aren’t like that any more though.

 He doesn’t know why he still gets so tired and why his chest still hurts so much when he hands Kaitlin back over to Sam or when he sees Kaitlin playing with toys that Stuart bought for her.

 It turns out that telling Harry helps. It helps him put it into words and make sense of it in his brain. Helps him see how bad he’s been feeling lately. For ages really.

 ==

 “Hi Mum.”

 “Hiya love, what’s up?”

 (He’s sad and lonely and he needs his mum.)

 “Nothing, just wanted to call.”

 “You okay?”

 “Yeah, just…feeling a bit down I think.” It’s the first time he’s said anything like that to her.

 She’s quiet for a moment. “Okay, what’s got you feeling like that?”

 “I’m just tired I guess.” He realises he’s biting at his nails. It’s hard to talk to his mum about this. “I was thinking I might come and stay at yours for a weekend.”

 “Is it about Kaitlin, do you think you need an extra hand for a while?”

 “No.” He rips off the side of his nail. “It’s fine, I’m just a bit tired from work and everything. I just need some time off I think.”

 “It sounds like it’s a bit more than that Lou.”

 “It’s fine. It’s nothing new, it’s just the same old stuff. I don’t know why it’s getting to me now.”

 “Louis…”

 “It’s fine, I’ll get over it. I’m just tired.”

 “You don’t have to feel like that, you don’t have to struggle.”

 His eyes blur over and he closes his eyes and tries to keep his breathing even.

 “I think you’re punishing yourself over what happened with Sam.”

 “Mu-”

 “No let me talk Louis. You were both kids, I know it was an accident but these things happen. No one is judging you for it I promise, you can’t keep feeling bad about it. You’re my baby Lou, it’s so hard for me to see you going through a tough time like this.”

 “It’s just been hard.” His throat hurts.

 “I know, but everyone is here for you. I’m always here, and if you want to come home for a bit just come home.”

 “I know you are.”

 “You deserve good things to happen to you Lou” his mum tells him through the phone. He bites his lip and squeezes his eyes shut because he wants to fucking cry.

 “Yeah, kay” he says with difficulty, his throat tight and eyes a little blurry with tears that spill over when he opens them. He blinks them away and scrubs his hand over his face with a sniff.

 “Oh baby” she sighs. “You’ll be alright Lou, I promise.” He sniffs again and clears his throat. He hates that he’s worrying her. All he does is make her worry, she’s got to deal with all of his crap and everyone else’s as well, it’s not fair.

 “Right,” he sniffs again “alright mum listen I have to go the now. I'll call you later okay?”

 “... okay, look after yourself. I love you loads Lou.”

 “Love you loads too, bye.”

 ==

 It’s hard to talk to anyone about it, especially talking to his mates. He catches Ryan one day, when it’s just them left after footie picking up the cones.

 “Sorry about how I've been lately.”

 Ryan gives him a quick look and shrugs. “You've been fine. You’re always shit at texting back, I know.”

 He stops stacking cones and runs a hand over the back of his hair.

 “I haven't...I haven't... _felt_ fine.”

 Ryan shoots him a look.

 “It’s hard for me to tell, you look okay on the outside, maybe you're a little quiet sometimes…I never know what's going on in your head.” He says quietly and grabs Louis’ stack of cones along with his.

 Louis shoulders the kit bag and follows him back towards the sports centre.

 “Look I know everything with Kaitlin was unexpected,” Ryan says, “but everyone has their shit to go through. If it wasn't that it was just gonna be something else, you know?”

 Louis claps him on the shoulder and then squeezes. “You trying to give me a pep talk lad?” Ryan laughs and bumps into him.

 “I mean it! We’re just at that age when shit gets complicated you know.”

 Louis bumps him back. “Yeah I know. Cheers by the way, for understanding.”

 Ryan shakes his head. “No need to say thanks, I’m here for you lad.”

 ==

 Louis burrows into Harry's side, pushing him further into the corner of the couch. “Are you staying over?” He takes Harry’s wrist and runs his thumb over it.

 Harry's other arm is draped over the back of the couch, bent awkwardly to comb through the back of Louis hair.

 “I always wanna stay over with you.” Harry says, voice slow and calm and honest. “I never want to leave. Whenever I'm at home I wish I was with you instead.” And Louis doesn’t know what to do with that because he always wants Harry here too so he turns and presses his face into Harry's neck, not speaking for a minute until the feeling passes.

 Harry's arms come up around his back to give him a squeeze.

 Sometimes Louis feels damaged, some days he’s such a mess he doesn’t get out of bed or get dressed or brush his teeth. He still feels like he doesn’t deserve what he has with Harry, or that he’s letting Kaitlin down by not being good enough for her. He knows that’s not fair though, that it’s just his brain trying to make him feel worse.

 So he’s trying. He’s been talking to Harry some more about how he feels and he knows he wants to stop feeling overwhelmed. That he wants to get on top of things and manage his low moods better. It’s a work in progress though.

 Just because you have good days doesn’t mean the bad days don’t affect you.

 ==

 He works on things, on himself really.

 He speaks to his mum some more and she opens up to him in ways he didn’t expect. She talks about ways she struggled when she was young and Louis was a baby and she was by herself.

 She’s super honest with him in a way he’s never heard he be before, not about anything so personal. She’s talking to him like another adult though, not the way she did when he was still a kid.

 He didn’t realise he could feel even closer to her but he does, he’s so lucky to have a mum as brilliant as she is.

 So he listens to her and takes her advice. Puts time and effort into looking after himself. He spends a couple of weekends when he’s feeling shitty at his mum’s house, cuddling with his baby and letting his mum fuss over them.

 For the first time ever he takes a day off work when he wakes up feeling like shite. His mum tells him not to feel guilty about lying and calling in sick with a migraine because he’s still poorly, he still needs to look after himself and get better.

 He’s not a huge drinker any more but he stops drinking as much on a Friday and a Saturday anyways. Takes a leaf out of Harry's book and starts taking a long hot shower when he’s feeling crap, when he’s dry he puts on his comfiest clothes and has a cup of tea.

 He starts to recognise his shitty days and when they come round he does his best not to give in to the urge to curl up under the covers in the dark and ignore the world. He gives himself little tasks to do to distract himself. Washing the dishes, putting the laundry in, clearing up after Kaitlin.

 Little things like that that help him feel calm.

 ==

 Harry comes clattering through the door like an entire herd of elephants dropping his bag and kicking his boots off startling Louis out of his nap in the process.

 When he appears at the living room door he immediately looks sheepish and gives Louis a ridiculously exaggerated silent sorry. Kaitlin hasn't so much as stirred at the noise but Louis is definitely awake and feeling grouchy.

 Harry coos at the picture they both make on the sofa and Louis shoots him a grumpy look in return.

 “Baby time?” he says with a dopey hopeful smile and Louis sighs.

 “Fine but please try not to wake her up Harry I'm exhausted” he warns as Harry strips his hoodie off.

 “Baby time baby time baby time” he mumbles ridiculously scooping her up before settling down in the V of Louis thighs, resting back against him with Kaitlin lying on his chest.

 “Shhh shhh” Harry calms the tiny whimpers she lets out but almost immediately she's melting into his warmth, little head pressed against his chest. The rhythmic sucking on her dummy picks up and then slows down as she chillaxes completely.

 He runs a hand up and down her back softly. “I love when they're like this”

 Louis snorts in his ear “asleep you mean?”

 “No… cuddly. I love when they just want cuddles.”

 “Yeah it's sweet.” Louis says quietly, pressing his face into Harry’s hair.

 ==

 It blows his mind how good the sex is between then. Harry’s big hands on his thighs or the weight of his cock against his gets him so hot for it.

 Sometimes Harry shaves his chest but he hasn’t for a while so tonight Louis can run his hands through the hair, thumbing over his nipples until they tighten and he hears Harry groan quietly.

 He likes that, having someone touch his chest and play with his nipples, Louis likes being the one that knows that about him.

 After a while he gets Harry to roll over with his back to Louis, pushes one of his legs forward so he get a thigh in between and plasters himself up against his back. Harry reaches back to grab Louis’ hip and hold them together and Louis presses his face between Harry’s shoulder blades as he rocks forward.

 He mouths at Harry’s neck as he rubs against him, cock sliding between his arse cheeks and over the small of his back and they rock desperately.

 Biting over the warm curve of a shoulder he can feel the sweat collecting between them where they’re rubbing together and Harry tightens the grip he has on Louis’ hip as they grind rhythmlessly, breath hitching.

 It’s too hot and too slick between them, Louis feels like he’s going to lose it.

 “Shit, we have to slow down” he laughs into Harry’s neck.

 He stills their hips, hips pushing forwards once, twice before he can pull away from Harry’s body.

 He moves back so there’s enough space between them to get in between Harry’s thighs and between his cheeks.

 He rubs his thumb over his hole while his other hand squeezes the curve of his arse, Harry encouraging him with mumbled fucks and moans into the pillow, grinding forward mindlessly into the sheets twisted under them, working himself closer to the edge.

 “Fuck, you need it”

 “Yeah, fuck”

 The lube is in between the headboard and the pillows. He squeezes it directly into the crease of Harry’s arse and uses his middle finger to drag the thick drip of it back up towards his hole and around. He pushes in with the middle finger only palm up and Harry grunts.

 He fucks it in and out, mouth pressed against Harry’s shoulder and lungs burning. There’s a deep ache already in his hand from the angle and the pressure.

 Harry tips his head back and he presses a kiss to the side of his neck, his ear, the hinge of his jaw. He keeps going, keeps pushing into where Harry is red hot and clinging until it’s too much, until they’re both shaking.

 “Let me turn over.” Harry’s voice is wreck and when he rolls over Louis can see where his hair has been rubbed against the pillow into a tangled mess.

 Harry pulls him forwards with a hand on the back of his neck and Louis meets him in a slow open kiss. One of Harry’s legs slots in between his and they rut against each other as they kiss.

 He reaches between them and wraps his hand around Harry’s cock, gives it a couple of tugs until Harry is moaning into his mouth, biting at his bottom lip.

 Harry’s hand runs up the back of his thigh, fingers digging into the muscle there as Louis fists him.

 “Hey,” he pulls Louis closer, bringing his thigh up over his hip as he bites at Louis’ chin. “I have an idea.”

 “Oh yeah?”

 “Yeah,” his mouth rubs over Louis’ stubble, “lie down.”

 Louis catches his mouth for one more kiss before laying back on his arms as Harry yanks the twisted up sheet from underneath them and kicks it down to the bottom of the bed out of the way.

 He pulls his legs up and opens his thighs to let Harry in between, lets him get his fingers wet and slip one into him, fingering him until his nerves are jumping with little electric shocks. It feels nice but he needs a bit more. He moves Harry’s hand out the way and works one and then two fingers into himself, feels his muscles relax around his fingers on each press until he needs more.

 He’s sweating and panting when he pulls his fingers out.

 When Harry presses into him he can’t breathe, legs open around his waist to make space. Harry starts on constant shallow little rocking thrusts until Louis’ body lets him in. In and out in shallow little fucks, dragging his cock out and pushing it in again maddeningly. He can feel every bit of it on each thrust. He tilts his hips up into the stretch of it and Harry slides deeper.

 Harry pushes in as far as he can, curving his hands around Louis’ arse and pulling him up, pressing as deep as he can into him.

 He pulls out and presses his cock back in again, in as deep as he can get, grinding into him. Louis tries to pull air into his lungs, chest heaving.

 Harry pulls out again so he can reposition them, pulls Louis a little further down the mattress away from the headboard and pushes his legs up over his shoulders, thighs against his chest.

 The first proper thrust knocks the headboard into the wall and Louis realises Harry hasn’t starting fucking him proper yet.

 Except Harry is a fucking tease, he keeps a sready pace up for a couple of minutes, long enough for Louis to get used to it and stops again. Pulls out all the way and slams back in so hard Louis jolts up the mattress.

 “Fuuuck”

 He does that again, pulls out and fucks back in hard enough to punch the breath out of Louis’ chest until he’s gasping and his nerve ending are on fire and then he slips back into a rhythm where they’re fucking properly.

 It’s good. It’s fucking brilliant. He lays on his back on the mattress and Harry fucks into him endlessly, breathing heavily, weight pushing Louis’ legs into his chest.

 Louis wants to keep doing this for hours, doesn’t want either of them to finish soon.

 The next time Harry stops he sits back a little and Louis stretches his legs out, letting them fall down from Harry’s shoulders and bringing them up around his middle instead.

  Harry runs his hand over the inside of Louis’ thigh and the crease of his pelvis, presses a kiss to the inside of his knee.

 He pressing his hips forward and thumbs the head of his dick back in but doesn’t keep going. He’s red and panting and his hair is a sweaty mess. God Louis fucking loves him.

 Reaching up Louis pushes his hair back, away from his eyes and tips his face up until Harry leans down and catches their mouths together. They kiss open mouthed, wet and panting until Harry pulls back so he can fuck in properly.

 Harry sets the pace so they’re fucking hard and fast, Louis can feel the control starting to slip away and his thighs are burning with the exertion.

 Harry is grunting, desperately trying to get what he needs and hold off at the same time and Louis knows he’s getting close. If they keep fucking he’s going to shoot off inside of him.

 He can feel the heat pooling in the bottom of his spine, feel himself clench every time Harry rubs maddeningly over his prostate, his abs tightening with the need to come. When Harry hits the perfect angle, his cock a thick steady pressure on his prostate, Louis feels his legs go numb with the feeling.

 His cock jumps against his stomach and he can’t do anything to stop it, he feels every muscle in his body clench as his vision whites out as he peaks and Harry fucks him through it.

 Everything is hypersensitive after he comes but he doesn’t want Harry to stop. Louis tightens his legs and urges him on, digs his hands into the mattress where he’s bracing himself against Harry’s thrusts.

 He feels so fucking deep inside him it’s almost too much but he needs it, needs Harry to keep fucking him like that.

 “Shit I’m coming” Harry groans.

 His thrusting is frantic and sloppy and a deep groan breaks out of him as he pumps his hips over and over, desperate for the friction. Louis clenches around him, rides the desperate crest of it while Harry loses himself in the orgasm. Harry’s so loud when he comes, when he’s done he’s breathing through his mouth, chest heaving, still working into Louis in these little slow thrusts.

 Louis pushes himself up on his elbows to reach his mouth, kisses him until he’s too tired and then flops back down on his back again laughing and breathless.

 There’s a weird emptiness when Harry pulls out and then he’s laying next to him, braced on one elbow and running his hand over Louis’ stomach and then up and down his arm.

 “Good?”

 Another laugh bubbles out of him. “Amazing. Do you want a review?”

 “Oh fuck off,” he laughs, “I’m just asking.”

 Harry’s hand comes up to try and push his face away and he ducks away from it. He half heartedly tries to wrestle for dominance but his limbs feel like jelly so he gives up and lets Harry pull him into a cuddle. He’s starting to feel gross as he cools down, skin wet with both their sweat, but he doesn’t move out of the hug. Every part of him is pulsing with the sex high and he squeezes Harry tighter in his arms.

 “It was good.” He says quietly into his neck.

 Harry is quiet but he gives him a little squeeze back and they cling there through the endorphin rush, Louis caught up in waves of how good he feels, how much he loves his boy, how fucking lucky he is.

 ==

 On Tuesdays Sam works twelve until nine pm, so it’s up to Louis to collect Kaitlin from from nursery and bring her back to his for her tea. If it’s not raining he walks there and back.

 It’s only a ten minute walk usually but with Kaitlin it takes longer on account of her tiny legs and need to inspect everything.

 Harry’s chumming them today but he’s been quieter than usual, obviously caught up in his thoughts. They’re making their way up the path slowly, Louis pushing the buggy and Kaitlin toddling beside him, trailing her hand along the stone wall.

 When he speaks it catches Louis off guard a little bit.

 “I want to have kids one day Lou.” he says softly and Louis’ chest physically aches.

 It’s not that he’s surprised, but they’ve never talked about it.

 “Okay,” He says when he can speak, “we’ll figure it out. We’re still pretty young Haz.”

 “I know I don’t mean now, I just...if we’re gonna be us you know, I want to make it clear now.”

 Louis looks away, squints into the sun. He has no idea how Harry can be like this, be this brave. It overwhelms him, just talking about them having kids like it’s just that easy. Like they might actually last that long. Like two blokes can decide to have a kid and just make it happen.

 His overwhelming memory of when Kaitlin was born is how fucking scary and stressful and hard it was. How he was constantly tired and worried and lonely as fuck. It’s not this easy fun thing like everyone imagines.

 He wants to tell Harry that he has no idea what it’s really like having kids, just how hard it is and how you have to be there for them 24/7, how big a responsibility it is. But that’s not fair because Harry looks after him and Kaitlin all the time, he sees all of the messy, grumpy unpleasant bits and he’s great at it.

 Their relationship isn’t perfect. He’s still hard work sometimes, still gets overwhelmed and tired and snaps at Harry or Sam or his mum. Or he wakes up feeling shitty and spends days in a black mood for no reason. Sometimes he doesn’t have a clue how him and Harry are ever going to work out in the long term.

 He’s working on it though, on opening up to people a little more instead of trying to do everything alone. On forgiving himself for his bad days. It’s getting better.

 He’s talked to his mum a bit about Harry, listened to her when he said he deserve to be happy but he needs to put the work in, that he can’t take their relationship for granted.

 This isn’t anything like how he thought his twenties were going to go but he’s so fucking grateful for having Kaitlin and meeting Harry, even if he didn’t exactly get to choose it all.

 “We’ll work it out Haz,” he bumps their elbows together, “we’re a team.”

 Harry grabs his wrist and gives it a squeeze, “I know we will.”

 Half way down the path Harry picks a flower growing on a vine along the top of the wall and gives it to Kaitlin to her absolute joy.

 “What do we say to Harry?”

 She ignores him, predictably.

 “ _Thank you_ , say thank you Kaitlin.”

 He gets a “fanks!” and Harry smiles at her, eyes crinkling.

 Louis nudges him with his shoulder, they’ll figure it out.

 


End file.
